Satirical Irish News
The global economy has been left reeling this week after Donald Trump completed his school project of creating random tariff rates for every country he knows the name of, and some he doesn’t.
The US President proudly displayed his tariff board at a White House press conference, with Trump staffers confirming that the Melon Felon cut out all the numbers by himself and didn’t even ask a grown-up help him use the scissors.
Continue reading “World cowers as Trump discovers how numbers work”
Concerns have been raised by international aid organisations as convicted sex offenders met in The White House this St. Patrick’s Day.
The alarm comes as former UFC fighter and sex offender Conor McGregor travelled to Washington to meet former reality TV star and sex offender Donald Trump.
Continue reading “Concerns raised as Irish and American sex offenders meet in White House”
Not content with disrupting Dail proceedings for weeks by wanting to be both government and opposition, the four TDs comprising the Regional Independent Technical Group have now wrought chaos at a local wedding.
Michael Lowry, Barry Heneghan, Danny Healy-Rae and Gillian Toole turned up uninvited to the ceremony and when asked if they were with the bride or groom claimed both and stood four abreast in the middle of the church aisle, blocking the wedding party from passing.
Continue reading “Regional Independent TDs cause chaos at local wedding”
Marcus Rashford and celebrity chef Jamie Oliver have joined forces in a campaign to restore free lunches for beleaguered Manchester United staff.
Full lunches have reportedly been replaced at Old Trafford by a piece of fruit and at the club’s Carrington training ground by soup and a sandwich as partial owner ‘Brexit’ Jim Ratcliffe continues to cut costs.
Continue reading “Rashford and Oliver team up to restore free lunches for Manchester United staff”
A local shopkeeper has been lauded after refusing to serve a strange man he’d never seen before.
Alfie O’Donovan, who has run Alfie’s corner shop since 1982, was left shaken after a mysterious man entered his premises looking to purchase a box of Marlboro Gold.
“This is a local shop for local people,” said O’Donovan. “I know all my customers, from Mrs. O’Reilly and her clementine obsession to Mr. Hayes who buys ten packs of Polo Mints a day. This lad, well, he just wasn’t local.
Melon felon Donald Trump has continued his attack on Volodymyr Zelenskyy, claiming that the Ukrainian leader is just Osama bin Laden in disguise.
“Think about it folks,” said the tangerine rapist. “Bin Laden was ‘taken out’ by the Obama administration. The Democrats couldn’t even take out their trash!
My super intelligence, so much intelligence, is telling me that Obama, if that is his real name, folks, was part of a plot, a very deadly un-American plot to raise the price of eggs and relocate bin Laden and the eggs to Ukraine.
Continue reading “Trump: Zelenskyy is just Bin Laden in disguise”
A local father is refusing point blank to give any money towards his daughter’s wedding unless the happy couple serve a Baked Alaska for dessert at the reception.
Jimmy ‘Scoops’ Linehan (58) stated that serving Baked Alaska was a long cherished family tradition and he’d “be damned” if his daughter Jenny was going to “fuck it up for everyone.”
“My father had a Baked Alaska, and so did my father’s father,” said Linehan. “Before that it’s sketchy, but I’m assuming it goes back generations.
Continue reading “Local father refusing to pay towards daughter’s wedding unless Baked Alaska is served”
Tanaiste Simon Harris today showed real gumption and leadership by claiming that the State will “robustly push back” against any additional cost demands by the developer of the mythical National Children’s Hospital.
The hospital, which been under construction by contractors BAM! since 2016, at a cost of over €2 billion is now due to fully open in 2026, meaning a child conceived when the first spade went into the ground would now be close to completing primary school.
Continue reading “Government bravely stands up to children’s hospital contractor after only nine years and €2 billion costs”
A local man has created a stir by taking a blow up doll out for a romantic Valentine’s dinner at Don Carlos’ Italian restaurant.
Johnny Romeo (28) booked a table for two at the popular eatery with his date ‘Jennifer,’ named after his favourite Hollywood star Jennifer Lawrence.
“It’s all pure classy,” said Romeo. “I dressed her up like Jennifer’s character Katniss from The Hunger Games. But left the bow and arrow at home!”
Despite spending the duration of their meal getting perturbed glances from other diners, Romeo thoroughly enjoyed his large Hawaiian pizza and side of cheesy garlic bread. Jennifer did not order.
“She’s on a diet for her next role. I don’t like the crusts, so she had them. And we shared a bottle of wine,” said Romeo.
Romeo took the unorthodox move after growing tired of the usual dating apps.
“I’ve tried them all, but I never get a bite,” said the software engineer. “I posted all types of photos – sensitive with a puppy, intellectual holding a book and even some saucy dick pics for a select few lucky ladies. Jennifer doesn’t care about any of that. She just accepts me as I am.”
Following their meal the pair adjourned to Romeo’s apartment where they relaxed by watching one of Jennifer’s movies, before retiring for an early night.
Inspired by news of the Merchant Hotel in Belfast launching a ‘once-in-a-lifetime’ £1,000 cocktail, local publican Donal ‘Drippy’ Donoghue has decided to get in on the action.
Donoghue, the proprietor of Drippy’s on Main Street, has grown weary of the same old faces grumbling on his bar stools, and is attempting to diversify to get the ladies back through his doors.
Continue reading “Local publican to offer bespoke range of ‘Drippy’ cocktails”