Satirical Irish News
As controversy grows around children being served 0% drinks in pubs one local drinker has expressed his disdain for the whole malarkey.
Jimmy O’Dea (64), who has been a solid pinter for a good 50 years, told DTTN that the problem wasn’t the children being served, but that they weren’t drinking the right stuff.
Continue reading “Local drinker scoffs at ‘soft’ children consuming 0% beer”
Snooker fans across Ireland are tonight calling for a boycott of Chinese takeaways after Zhao Xintong stormed to victory over Mark Williams, becoming the first Chinese player to win the snooker World Championship.
Zhao left snooker enthusiasts short changed by defeating Ronnie O’Sullivan in the semi-final with a session to spare and winning tonight’s final after just five frames in the final session.
Continue reading “Snooker fans boycotting local Chinese takeaways following Zhao victory”
A local man has started up a new enterprise bottling the sunshine from our current good weather and selling it to eager punters.
Derek Trader (56) who dabbles in a bit of this, a bit of that, you know yourself, chanced upon the idea as a way to shift a consignment of mason jars that had been clogging up his garage for the past six months.
Continue reading “Local man bottling and selling sunshine as ‘Irish Gold’”
A local woman has been barred from the supermarket after standing in front of their fridges for hours without purchasing anything during the hottest day of the year so far.
Hannah Hotflush (28), who is always roasting, even when it snows, took refuge in the supermarket as the 20 degree plus temperatures got her hot under the collar.
Continue reading “Local woman barred from supermarket after standing by fridges for hours during heatwave”
A Liverpool fan has created consternation by purchasing the local off-licence’s entire stock to celebrate his team winning their 20th league title.
Bob Klopp (44) made the gargantuan purchase over the weekend before watching his beloved Reds spank Spurs 5-1 at a packed Anfield.
Continue reading “Local Liverpool fan buys entire off-licence stock in celebration”
Fresh from the news that quarter one profits dropped by 71% Tesla have been dealt a further blow as a local driver has reported a 150% increase in dirty looks.
Sage O’Sullivan (38), who has owned a Tesla since 2023, has been left shaken by the dirty looks, which she has been more used to giving out than receiving.
“I’ve always been environmentally conscious,” said O’Sullivan. “I recycle everything, even if the label says it’s not suitable and I’m very active shaming corporations on social media. Tesla seemed the perfect fit for me.”
Continue reading “Local Tesla owner reports 150% increase in dirty looks”
As the Catholic world mourns the death of Pope Francis an unlikely successor has emerged in the form of US President Donald Trump.
“The Pope has died, so sad,” said The Melon Felon. “That’s why you shouldn’t put sleepy old men in office. The Vatican needs someone young and vital, like me. Doctors say I would be the healthiest Pope to ever live and would look tremendous in a pointy hat.
Continue reading “Trump declares intention to become Pope, make Vatican 51st state”
A local teenager has been left confused after encountering a CD for the first time during today’s Spotify outage.
Billy Silly (15) usually listens to his Spotify playlists when studying, but was left without music when the streaming service was temporarily unavailable.
Continue reading “Local teenager encounters CD following Spotify outage”
A local troll was left devastated last night after Rory McIlroy ended his eleven year major drought in dramatic style by winning The Masters in Augusta.
Ray Putter (27), who had spent the last decade posting hateful nonsense on a range of social media platforms under the handle ‘RoryChokzlol’, is now facing an existential crisis with his identity shattered.
Continue reading “Local online troll left bereft after McIlroy Masters win”
US President Donald Trump just can’t stop making headlines, but his latest revelations have shocked even the most jaded observers.
Trump told reporters at The White House that his brain has been replaced by a hamster called ‘Hammy’, who dictates all his actions.
“Many people are in awe of what I’m doing,” said the Melon Felon. “The numbers, the tariffs, are so tremendously good. ‘President Trump, Sir,’ they say, ‘how do you continue to make such amazing decisions?’
Continue reading “Trump: Hammy the Brain Hamster tells me what to do”