Satirical Irish News
A local troll was left devastated last night after Rory McIlroy ended his eleven year major drought in dramatic style by winning The Masters in Augusta.
Ray Putter (27), who had spent the last decade posting hateful nonsense on a range of social media platforms under the handle ‘RoryChokzlol’, is now facing an existential crisis with his identity shattered.
Continue reading “Local online troll left bereft after McIlroy Masters win”
US President Donald Trump just can’t stop making headlines, but his latest revelations have shocked even the most jaded observers.
Trump told reporters at The White House that his brain has been replaced by a hamster called ‘Hammy’, who dictates all his actions.
“Many people are in awe of what I’m doing,” said the Melon Felon. “The numbers, the tariffs, are so tremendously good. ‘President Trump, Sir,’ they say, ‘how do you continue to make such amazing decisions?’
Continue reading “Trump: Hammy the Brain Hamster tells me what to do”
A local man has been charged with public indecency after being caught sunbathing naked in his back garden while working from home.
Willy Moore (34) caused a ruckus when he decided to take advantage of the fine weather by taking calls in on a sun lounger in his back garden.
Continue reading “Local man arrested for sunbathing naked in back garden”
The global economy has been left reeling this week after Donald Trump completed his school project of creating random tariff rates for every country he knows the name of, and some he doesn’t.
The US President proudly displayed his tariff board at a White House press conference, with Trump staffers confirming that the Melon Felon cut out all the numbers by himself and didn’t even ask a grown-up help him use the scissors.
Continue reading “World cowers as Trump discovers how numbers work”
Concerns have been raised by international aid organisations as convicted sex offenders met in The White House this St. Patrick’s Day.
The alarm comes as former UFC fighter and sex offender Conor McGregor travelled to Washington to meet former reality TV star and sex offender Donald Trump.
Continue reading “Concerns raised as Irish and American sex offenders meet in White House”
Not content with disrupting Dail proceedings for weeks by wanting to be both government and opposition, the four TDs comprising the Regional Independent Technical Group have now wrought chaos at a local wedding.
Michael Lowry, Barry Heneghan, Danny Healy-Rae and Gillian Toole turned up uninvited to the ceremony and when asked if they were with the bride or groom claimed both and stood four abreast in the middle of the church aisle, blocking the wedding party from passing.
Continue reading “Regional Independent TDs cause chaos at local wedding”
Marcus Rashford and celebrity chef Jamie Oliver have joined forces in a campaign to restore free lunches for beleaguered Manchester United staff.
Full lunches have reportedly been replaced at Old Trafford by a piece of fruit and at the club’s Carrington training ground by soup and a sandwich as partial owner ‘Brexit’ Jim Ratcliffe continues to cut costs.
Continue reading “Rashford and Oliver team up to restore free lunches for Manchester United staff”
A local shopkeeper has been lauded after refusing to serve a strange man he’d never seen before.
Alfie O’Donovan, who has run Alfie’s corner shop since 1982, was left shaken after a mysterious man entered his premises looking to purchase a box of Marlboro Gold.
“This is a local shop for local people,” said O’Donovan. “I know all my customers, from Mrs. O’Reilly and her clementine obsession to Mr. Hayes who buys ten packs of Polo Mints a day. This lad, well, he just wasn’t local.
Melon felon Donald Trump has continued his attack on Volodymyr Zelenskyy, claiming that the Ukrainian leader is just Osama bin Laden in disguise.
“Think about it folks,” said the tangerine rapist. “Bin Laden was ‘taken out’ by the Obama administration. The Democrats couldn’t even take out their trash!
My super intelligence, so much intelligence, is telling me that Obama, if that is his real name, folks, was part of a plot, a very deadly un-American plot to raise the price of eggs and relocate bin Laden and the eggs to Ukraine.
Continue reading “Trump: Zelenskyy is just Bin Laden in disguise”
A local father is refusing point blank to give any money towards his daughter’s wedding unless the happy couple serve a Baked Alaska for dessert at the reception.
Jimmy ‘Scoops’ Linehan (58) stated that serving Baked Alaska was a long cherished family tradition and he’d “be damned” if his daughter Jenny was going to “fuck it up for everyone.”
“My father had a Baked Alaska, and so did my father’s father,” said Linehan. “Before that it’s sketchy, but I’m assuming it goes back generations.
Continue reading “Local father refusing to pay towards daughter’s wedding unless Baked Alaska is served”