Down the Town

December 11, 2019December 11, 2019

Poll: UK voters want Jacqueline Jossa as Prime Minister

Ahead of the UK general election a new poll has revealed that 63% of UK voters want I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here winner Jacqueline Jossa to be their next Prime Minister.

The former Eastenders actor proved particularly popular amongst pro-Brexit voters, many of whom stated that Jossa’s decisive victory showed her capable of “getting Brexit done.”

“Boris talks about his oven ready deal,” said one frustrated bigot, “but he’s never had to cook beans over a camp-fire or hold a huge spider in his mouth. This is the kind of steely individual we need to tell Europe to go eat some kangaroo testicles. And she’s got a lovely singing voice.”

December 10, 2019December 10, 2019

FAI Gambles Last €20 on Winning Streak Scratch Cards

The Football Association of Ireland has hit a new low after officials blew the crisis-ridden organisation’s last twenty euro on Winning Streak scratch cards.

The FAI, which is €55M in debt, gambled their remaining petty cash on the cards, which offer a 1 in 1.86 chance to win a cash or three star prize.

“It seemed like a good idea at the time,” said an anonymous source, “it always does after pints.”

December 6, 2019December 6, 2019

Local Council resurfaces same road five times in one week

The council has come under fire from angry residents after resurfacing the main road outside the local primary school five times this week.

“It’s a fecking joke,” one resident told us, “they’ve the whole place blocked up night and day. Dropping off and picking up the kids in the SUV is a nightmare.”

December 4, 2019December 10, 2019

Varadkar offering novelty socks to the homeless for Christmas

An Taoiseach Leo Varadkar has demonstrated the softer, kinder side of Fine Gael by pledging to hand deliver a pair of novelty socks to all the nation’s homeless for Christmas.

“This time of year is for family and friends,” said Varadkar, “but we need also to remember those left with nothing, often through circumstances out of their control.”

Varadkar, who sported a pair of Rudolph socks with flashing red nose as he made the announcement, said that the homeless could choose between cheery Santa or snowman designs.

November 28, 2019November 27, 2019

Local Woman reveals Black Friday training regime

Local bargain hunter Mary Meaney has revealed her gruelling training regime that she hopes will score her dream deal this Friday.

“Last year’s Black Friday was a wake-up call,” said Meaney “a granny in a mobility scooter wrestled the last pair of wireless headphones from me. I realised that I had work to do to compete.”

November 27, 2019December 10, 2019

Exclusive: TDs suggest alternative uses for €1m printer

Controversy continues to rage around the new €808,000 Dail printer, and the €236,000 of accompanying structural works, as TDs debate the best uses for a machine not due to enter public service until 2020.

Down the Town News has obtained documentation from PAC with suggested alternative uses for the printer, while it waits to actually do what it was bought for. Edited highlights are below:

November 25, 2019November 25, 2019

Films with Dion Hegarty – Frozen 2

I’ve never seen Frozen because I’m not a six year old girl. I am, however, a professional, and as research I downloaded the original to see what I was in for.

It’s this fairy tale shite about two sisters who have a falling out. One becomes Queen and the other storms out in a huff. There’s no fight scene and neither appears to have any martial arts training.

November 24, 2019November 24, 2019

Murder She Wrote: Highly Suggestible Local Woman believes she is Jessica Fletcher after box set binge

A highly suggestible local woman has completely lost the plot and now believes she is Jessica Fletcher after binge watching the complete Murder She Wrote box set.

Angela Angle, who was bored senseless at home recuperating from a heavy flu, borrowed the box set from her sister as a desperation measure and was soon hooked.

In addition to getting her hair set, and assuming a supercilious, nosey air, Angle purchased a vintage typewriter which she is using to bash out lurid, second-rate crime fiction.

November 21, 2019November 24, 2019

Prince Andrew accused of treating Pizza Express as personal buffet

Prince Andrew has been plunged into fresh controversy as a number of traumatised diners have accused the embattled British royal of scoffing their dinner at Pizza Express in Woking.

Andrew, who definitely brought his daughter to dine at the chain restaurant in 2001, is reported to have acted like “a lunatic,” running around the room liberating pizza slices, fries and desserts from the plates of other diners, including several children.

November 20, 2019November 19, 2019

Films with Dion Hegarty – The Irishman

People point at films like Taxi Driver, Raging Bull and Goodfellas and say that Martin Scorsese is a great director. They’re wrong.

If Scorsese is such a visionary auteur why has he never worked with the greatest actor of our time? Why has he never cast Arnie? Sure, De Niro and Pacino have their moments, but they’ve never delivered a performance as seminal as The Austrian Oak did as Colonel John Matrix in Commando.