Local pioneer Jimmy
O’Brien made a holy show of himself down the pub on Friday night after
consuming two bottles of alcohol free beer.
O’Brien, who hasn’t touched the gargle for
over forty years, was tempted by a free bottle from promotional staff.
After the first bottle, regulars noted
that O’Brien’s speech was slightly slurred and that he nearly fell from his
stool when rising to go to the toilet, but he was generally the same sound lad
they all knew.
Impeached US President Donald Trump is drawing inspiration
from Roald Dahl’s classic children’s book James
and the Giant Peach as he faces the biggest crisis of his tenure.
The President
praised the film in a series of posts on Twitter which we have reproduced
below.
“I haven’t read book. Reading is for little girly men! I watched
film with Melania, and I have to say, it’s a great film. Truly outstanding!”
A local man has pretty
much ruined Christmas after his tinsel obsession escalated out of control.
Nick O’Feen was devastated after his wife
and children decamped to a local hotel after his ‘big surprise’ of covering the
entire house in red and green tinsel backfired.
“I just fucking love tinsel,” said O’Feen,
“the array of glamorous colours, that wonderful staticky feeling that brightens
up the greyest day. And you can get a shitload of it in Dealz for a euro.”
The latest contender to become cinema’s next great action
hero has arrived, and he’s an animated sheep.
Shaun the Sheep: Farmageddon is a
high-octane supernatural thriller with Shaun battling evil alien forces to save
his farm armed only with a fleece and a wry sense of humour.
At least that’s
what it looked like from the trailer. I had to leave my screening as it was
full of screaming children mashing popcorn into the seats and each other. I’ve
nothing against children, besides the noise and their general presence, but I’m
astounded that this hard-boiled sci-fi epic is considered suitable
entertainment.
A Daily Mail reader has drowned in his own cum after celebrations of
Boris Johnson’s election victory took a tragic turn.
Alfie Bate began furiously celebrating at
10pm last night following the stunning exit poll announcement, but things soon
got out of hand, with his wife Maisy walking in a distressing scene.
“I was in the kitchen trolling ethnic
Labour candidates on Twitter,” she said “and I heard the commotion from the
sitting room. Alfie was sitting in front of the results with the strangest look
on his face, and his stuff spurting all over the room.”
“He was possessed. And ruining the carpet.
I told him to stop, but he just kept chanting ‘Get it Done, Get it Done.’”
After fleeing to the next-door neighbours,
Maisy alerted the authorities, who had to drain the house before declaring her
husband dead.
“My only consolation was that he died
happy,” said Maisy. “My Alfie hated Labour. And Jeremy Corbyn. And Remoaners.
And Gypsies. And immigrants. And the left. And almond milk. And Communists. And
the Irish. And the darkies. And vegans. And the EU. And Muslims. He’d be proud
to know that we have a proper Brexit and five more years of blissful Tory rule
ahead of us.”
Maisy confirmed that Alfie would be buried
in a coffin made of reinforced back copies of The Daily Mail, and that he would
be dressed in his best Union Jack suit.
The
Daily Mail, who have offered to cover Bate’s funeral costs, has blamed the
tragedy on Jeremy Corbyn.
Ahead of the UK
general election a new poll has revealed that 63% of UK voters want I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here winner
Jacqueline Jossa to be their next Prime Minister.
The former Eastenders actor proved particularly popular amongst pro-Brexit voters,
many of whom stated that Jossa’s decisive victory showed her capable of
“getting Brexit done.”
“Boris talks about his oven ready deal,”
said one frustrated bigot, “but he’s never had to cook beans over a camp-fire
or hold a huge spider in his mouth. This is the kind of steely individual we
need to tell Europe to go eat some kangaroo testicles. And she’s got a lovely
singing voice.”
The Football
Association of Ireland has hit a new low after officials blew the crisis-ridden
organisation’s last twenty euro on Winning
Streak scratch cards.
The FAI, which is €55M in debt, gambled
their remaining petty cash on the cards, which offer a 1 in 1.86 chance to win
a cash or three star prize.
“It seemed like a good idea at the time,”
said an anonymous source, “it always does after pints.”
The council has come under fire from angry residents after
resurfacing the main road outside the local primary school five times this
week.
“It’s a fecking
joke,” one resident told us, “they’ve the whole place blocked up night and day.
Dropping off and picking up the kids in the SUV is a nightmare.”
An Taoiseach Leo Varadkar has demonstrated the softer,
kinder side of Fine Gael by pledging to hand deliver a pair of novelty socks to
all the nation’s homeless for Christmas.
“This time of year
is for family and friends,” said Varadkar, “but we need also to remember those
left with nothing, often through circumstances out of their control.”
Varadkar, who
sported a pair of Rudolph socks with flashing red nose as he made the
announcement, said that the homeless could choose between cheery Santa or
snowman designs.
Local bargain hunter Mary Meaney has revealed her gruelling
training regime that she hopes will score her dream deal this Friday.
“Last year’s Black
Friday was a wake-up call,” said Meaney “a granny in a mobility scooter
wrestled the last pair of wireless headphones from me. I realised that I had
work to do to compete.”
