Satirical Irish News
Taoiseach Michael Martin has taken a hard line in his first cabinet meeting, telling Ministers that he is “the one who knocks.”
Martin is understood to have binge watched Breaking Bad during lockdown, drawing inspiration from Walter White’s journey from milquetoast science teacher to ruthless drug kingpin.
Continue reading “Martin to cabinet: “I am the one who knocks””
Fianna Fail leader Micheál Martin has been spending lockdown remodelling himself on international super spy Austin Powers in an attempt to boost his charisma levels.
With a rotating Taoiseach model expected to be implemented in the new coalition, Martin is desperate to prove his leadership credentials.
Continue reading “Micheál Martin planning ‘Austin Powers’ leadership makeover”
The Green Party has tabled controversial plans to ban exhaling as a pre-condition to forming a new government.
“Exhaling releases harmful carbon dioxide into the planet’s atmosphere,” said a Green spokesperson. “Each time we exhale a tree dies and Greta Thunberg sheds a solitary tear.”
Continue reading “Greens want FFG exhaling ban guarantee”
It’s been one month since the General Election the main parties are continuing to circle each other like tipsy teenagers at an underage disco. In order to understand their mindset DTTN has asked a 14 year old schoolgirl to explain:
“I mean, Leo thought he was hot stuff. Filtered selfies all over Insta, and like, socks? But he’s just losing like sooo many followers because, well, he’s a bit too self-obssesed. Get over yourself Leo.
Continue reading “Irish Political Parties still acting like teenagers”
Former Sports Minister Shane Ross has today been announced as the new CEO of the FAI.
Most observers felt that Ross, who lost his seat at this month’s General Election, would face a long spell out of the public eye. No such luck.
The role became open after previous incumbent Niall Quinn ran away screaming and booked a one way ticket to Libya.
Continue reading “Shane Ross to become this week’s FAI CEO”
Sinn Fein president Mary Lou McDonald has invited representatives from all parties to join her at an all you can eat buffet at her local Chinese.
“Sinn Fein didn’t win this election by not looking to build bridges,” said McDonald, conveniently ignoring that they didn’t actually win the election, “so we’re inviting everyone to pick up their inter-party chopsticks and have a ra-ra-ra sing-song.”
Continue reading “Sinn Fein invites all parties to Chinese Buffet”
A newly elected TD is missing tonight after his election celebrations took a tragic turn.
Brian O’Brien, the founder and sole member of the Fix the Fucking Roads Party, was elected on the two hundred and fifty-seventh count. Mr. O’Brien was celebrating by getting a round of the bumps from well-wishers when tragedy struck.
Continue reading “Newly Elected TD launched into orbit as victory celebrations go awry”
As the nation goes to the ballots DTTN has spoken to a number of voters as they leave the polling station.
I always wait until I get the ballot paper and then mark the candidates on how sexy they look. This year’s SF candidate is particularly hunky. To be honest, I’ve one of his posters in my sitting room. I gave him a perfect 10. No marks for anyone else.
Amy (20), Social Media Influencer
Continue reading “GE2020: How we voted”
With the General Election fast approaching DTTN has offered the main political parties the chance to present their manifestos to our readers. Today we hear from Hobgoblin Healy-Rae of the great Kilgarvan Healy-Rae Dynasty.
Kerry is a magical place. I’ve seen non-Kerry folks describe it as a veritable Narnia; an unbelievable, alternate reality of great princes and supernatural beings. And they’re right.
Where else can you have a feed of pints and still drive home safely, your narrow, winding pathway illuminated by the fairy folk of the Kerry dolmen? Not up in fecking Dublin. They’d send you to jail if you even looked at a pub.
Continue reading “GE 2020: The Healy-Rae Manifesto”
With the General Election fast approaching DTTN has offered the main political parties the chance to present their manifestos to our readers. Today we hear from Béite O’Dúr of The Green Party
Last May brought a Green Wave as we triumphed in the local elections. This week prepare for the Green Tsunami, as we crash through the political landscape, consuming everything in our path.
Others say that we are standing in the way of progress, but do we really need houses, cars and non-seasonal food? Our forefathers lived by the water and subsisted on what they could hunt and gather. No semi-d for them. And no t-shirts made from Bangladeshi slave labour. We should learn from that.
Continue reading “GE 2020: The Green Party Manifesto”