Satirical Irish News
A local man has been charged with public indecency after being caught sunbathing naked in his back garden while working from home.
Willy Moore (34) caused a ruckus when he decided to take advantage of the fine weather by taking calls in on a sun lounger in his back garden.
Continue reading “Local man arrested for sunbathing naked in back garden”
A local shopkeeper has been lauded after refusing to serve a strange man he’d never seen before.
Alfie O’Donovan, who has run Alfie’s corner shop since 1982, was left shaken after a mysterious man entered his premises looking to purchase a box of Marlboro Gold.
“This is a local shop for local people,” said O’Donovan. “I know all my customers, from Mrs. O’Reilly and her clementine obsession to Mr. Hayes who buys ten packs of Polo Mints a day. This lad, well, he just wasn’t local.
A local father is refusing point blank to give any money towards his daughter’s wedding unless the happy couple serve a Baked Alaska for dessert at the reception.
Jimmy ‘Scoops’ Linehan (58) stated that serving Baked Alaska was a long cherished family tradition and he’d “be damned” if his daughter Jenny was going to “fuck it up for everyone.”
“My father had a Baked Alaska, and so did my father’s father,” said Linehan. “Before that it’s sketchy, but I’m assuming it goes back generations.
Continue reading “Local father refusing to pay towards daughter’s wedding unless Baked Alaska is served”
A local man has created a stir by taking a blow up doll out for a romantic Valentine’s dinner at Don Carlos’ Italian restaurant.
Johnny Romeo (28) booked a table for two at the popular eatery with his date ‘Jennifer,’ named after his favourite Hollywood star Jennifer Lawrence.
“It’s all pure classy,” said Romeo. “I dressed her up like Jennifer’s character Katniss from The Hunger Games. But left the bow and arrow at home!”
Despite spending the duration of their meal getting perturbed glances from other diners, Romeo thoroughly enjoyed his large Hawaiian pizza and side of cheesy garlic bread. Jennifer did not order.
“She’s on a diet for her next role. I don’t like the crusts, so she had them. And we shared a bottle of wine,” said Romeo.
Romeo took the unorthodox move after growing tired of the usual dating apps.
“I’ve tried them all, but I never get a bite,” said the software engineer. “I posted all types of photos – sensitive with a puppy, intellectual holding a book and even some saucy dick pics for a select few lucky ladies. Jennifer doesn’t care about any of that. She just accepts me as I am.”
Following their meal the pair adjourned to Romeo’s apartment where they relaxed by watching one of Jennifer’s movies, before retiring for an early night.
Inspired by news of the Merchant Hotel in Belfast launching a ‘once-in-a-lifetime’ £1,000 cocktail, local publican Donal ‘Drippy’ Donoghue has decided to get in on the action.
Donoghue, the proprietor of Drippy’s on Main Street, has grown weary of the same old faces grumbling on his bar stools, and is attempting to diversify to get the ladies back through his doors.
Continue reading “Local publican to offer bespoke range of ‘Drippy’ cocktails”
A local woman has been left frustrated after Premier League referees made an absolute hames of assembling her newly purchased IKEA furniture.
Susan Susansson (28) ordered a number of items, including a wardrobe and bookshelves, from the Swedish retailer to furnish her new apartment.
“I’m rubbish at DIY” said Susansson. “I found the ad for PGMOL Handy Men online. Their rates were massively expensive, so I assumed they must be good.”
Continue reading “Local woman left frustrated after Premier League referees fail to assemble IKEA furniture”
It’s been two weeks since Storm Éowyn hit the country and more than 25,000 homes are still without power.
Parts of Galway, Mayo and Roscommon have been worst hit, and there have been calls for compensation to be paid for affected customers.
However, one local man is revelling in his temporary electricity free life.
Continue reading “Local man doesn’t want power back anytime soon”
A local historian has made national headlines after being awarded the title of Ireland’s most boring man.
Ken Roman (67), who specialises in the history of refuse collection, won the poll conducted by Banter.ie after being nominated by his drinking buddies down the local.
Continue reading “Local bin historian voted as Ireland’s most boring man”
A local man is on a unique new career path as Ireland’s first bread tout.
Billy Brennan (54) has handed in his notice at his accounting job in order to exclusively focus on trading on the bread black market.
Continue reading “Local man starts new career as bread tout”
Ireland is set to have a functioning government, a mere eight weeks after the 2024 election with the Regional Independent group propping up Fianna Fail and Fine Gael.
It is understood that Paranoid Android Simon Harris and Micheal ‘Mr. Personality’ Martin have made a number of concessions to the independent group including:
Continue reading “Roads fixed for all – inside the regional independents deal for government”