Satirical Irish News
The council has come under fire from angry residents after resurfacing the main road outside the local primary school five times this week.
“It’s a fecking joke,” one resident told us, “they’ve the whole place blocked up night and day. Dropping off and picking up the kids in the SUV is a nightmare.”
Continue reading “Local Council resurfaces same road five times in one week”
Local bargain hunter Mary Meaney has revealed her gruelling training regime that she hopes will score her dream deal this Friday.
“Last year’s Black Friday was a wake-up call,” said Meaney “a granny in a mobility scooter wrestled the last pair of wireless headphones from me. I realised that I had work to do to compete.”
Continue reading “Local Woman reveals Black Friday training regime”
A highly suggestible local woman has completely lost the plot and now believes she is Jessica Fletcher after binge watching the complete Murder She Wrote box set.
Angela Angle, who was bored senseless at home recuperating from a heavy flu, borrowed the box set from her sister as a desperation measure and was soon hooked.
In addition to getting her hair set, and assuming a supercilious, nosey air, Angle purchased a vintage typewriter which she is using to bash out lurid, second-rate crime fiction.
Continue reading “Murder She Wrote: Highly Suggestible Local Woman believes she is Jessica Fletcher after box set binge”By Dr. Wilbur H. Wandfoot, B.D.S. NUI
As a dentist one question I’m often asked by patients is which type of toothpaste they should buy. Usually I point them in the direction of a leading commercial brand and send them on their merry way.
However, the honest answer is, I just don’t know. I don’t have a fucking clue. There’s just so many different types making different claims that I find the whole thing utterly bewildering.
Continue reading “OPINION: When will this Toothpaste Madness End?”
Local pedant William Q. Halibut has ignited controversy in the music world by insisting that Axl Rose was talking through his hoop in the lyrics to Guns ‘n’ Roses famous hit November Rain.
“Well,” said Halibut as he pushed his glasses up his nose, “it’s nonsense if you stop and think about it.”
In the song Rose states that it is hard to “hold a candle in the cold November rain.” Halibut claims that holding a candle in November rain, or indeed any inclement weather conditions, would not prove problematic.
Continue reading “Local Man douses Rose’s candle claim”
Local man Jimmy Power has raised heckles down the pub after claiming that he could have played in the Premier League if he’d had “the same training as the professional lads.”
Power (25), who played as a goal-scoring winger up to U-16 level for his school team, made the claim as he watched two Premier League sides battle to a dour scoreless draw on the telly.
“Just give me the training,” stated Power, who had consumed several pints of stout, “And I’ll bang the goals in.”
Continue reading “Local Man could have been Premier League Star if he’d had the training”
Local father Freddie Myers has already eaten all his family’s Halloween sweets and confected a flimsy pretext for his gluttony.
Myers, who is working from home during the school mid-term break, had initially opened a fun pack of Giant Buttons as “a treat” for the kids as they watched Ratatouille on Netflix.
Continue reading “Local Father eats all Halloween sweets, claims scientific breakthrough”
Local GP Dr. Linda Looney has come under the microscope after admitting to writing prescriptions purely to attain branded tat from drug companies.
“It’s a sliding scale,” stated Dr. Looney, “the more you prescribe, the better the goodies.”
Dr. Looney’s swag mania was triggered by a particularly fetching mouse mat she received earlier this year.
Continue reading “Local Doctor writing prescriptions to earn free mouse mat”
Local student Shane McShane remains a virgin, despite going around town boasting about all the riding he’s doing up in the big city.
McShane has recently started an Electronic Engineering degree, but is still returning home at the weekends so his Mammy can wash his clothes and give him a proper feed of spuds.
“The Chickadees love a man with a large protractor,” he told friends down the pub, “and there’s none bigger than mine.”
McShane has further proven his manhood by swaggering from pub to pub, displaying his roll of unused condoms to anyone showing an interest, and many who don’t.
“You’ve gotta be prepared,” he was heard advising a group of anxious 5th years over cans in the local park.
However, McShane has confided to his best friend, who confided in Down the Town News, that he not only remains a virgin, but hasn’t got so much as “a bit of boob” in the city.
Johnny Rosewater, who has asked to remain anonymous, said that McShane was always useless with the girls anyway, and that the city women were “far too sophisticated for that gobshite.”
In cruel, and frankly unnecessary, additional detail, he added that McShane’s mammy “still irons his jocks.”
Rosewater, like McShane is still believed to be a virgin, along with every other young fella from the parish who has left for college this year.
A Local content enthusiast has been awarded the freedom of the town after successfully watching every single program on Netflix.
Large crowds turned out at town hall to watch Tom O’Hawk, who has watched every single minute of those awful Adam Sandler films and all the other shite everyone skips over, receive a ceremonial Golden Remote from the Mayor.
“I didn’t think it was such a big deal,” said a bemused O’Hawk, who dressed for the occasion in his standard Netflix viewing outfit of black shorts and old white t-shirt. “The town must be really gone to shit if they’re celebrating something like this.”
O’Hawk, who admitted to having watched only a moderate amount of Netflix until losing his job six months ago, said that there had been “fuck all else” to do between trips to the post office and futile attempts at job searching.
“Tom is a role-model for the young people of the town,” said the Mayor. “Losing his job could have sent him into the usual spiral of drink, drugs and enforced prostitution, but instead he picked himself up, focused on a goal, and achieved the impossible.”
Asked how he planned to follow up this momentous achievement, O’Hawk shrugged and mumbled something about downloading a VPN and trying out US Netflix. His ambition knows no bounds.