Category: Local

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Local woman left frustrated after Premier League referees fail to assemble IKEA furniture

A local woman has been left frustrated after Premier League referees made an absolute hames of assembling her newly purchased IKEA furniture.

Susan Susansson (28) ordered a number of items, including a wardrobe and bookshelves, from the Swedish retailer to furnish her new apartment.

“I’m rubbish at DIY” said Susansson. “I found the ad for PGMOL Handy Men online. Their rates were massively expensive, so I assumed they must be good.”

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Roads fixed for all – inside the regional independents deal for government

Ireland is set to have a functioning government, a mere eight weeks after the 2024 election with the Regional Independent group propping up Fianna Fail and Fine Gael.

It is understood that Paranoid Android Simon Harris and Micheal ‘Mr. Personality’ Martin have made a number of concessions to the independent group including:

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Local man plans on owning Ireland’s first Cybertruck

A local man has announced his plans to acquire Ireland’s first Cybertruck.

Eoin Mutch (58) told anyone in the pub who’d listen, and several who didn’t want to, that he’d already been in contact with Tesla to acquire one of their controversial electric trucks.

The Cybertruck, which is not yet available in Europe, retails in the US at around $100,000 and has attracted negative reviews for it’s design flaws, quickness to break down and looking like a tin of beans on wheels.

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Local woman plans on being Rupert Murdoch’s sixth wife

Media mogul lizard Rupert Murdoch made the headlines again this weekend after getting married for the fifth time.

The Australian (93) tied the knot with Elena Zhukova (67) in California on Saturday, but one local woman is already looking ahead to Murdoch’s next marriage.

Sharon Curley (64), a retired hairdresser and former proprietor of Short and Curleys salon, told DTTN that she had already sent a detailed proposal to Fox Executives to pass on to Murdoch.

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Local Influencer traumatised by ‘gaudy’ election posters

A local influencer has been left traumatised after weeks of exposure to posters for the upcoming local and European elections.

“They’re just so gaudy, so tacky,” said Camilla Chamomile (25), “the colour schemes are sickly, the shots off centre. So, so just not Insta worthy.”

Chamomile has been so upset by the posters that she is now afraid to leave her apartment until after election day on 7th June.

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