Satirical Irish News
Controversy continues to rage around the new €808,000 Dail printer, and the €236,000 of accompanying structural works, as TDs debate the best uses for a machine not due to enter public service until 2020.
Down the Town News has obtained documentation from PAC with suggested alternative uses for the printer, while it waits to actually do what it was bought for. Edited highlights are below:
Continue reading “Exclusive: TDs suggest alternative uses for €1m printer”
Prince Andrew has been plunged into fresh controversy as a number of traumatised diners have accused the embattled British royal of scoffing their dinner at Pizza Express in Woking.
Andrew, who definitely brought his daughter to dine at the chain restaurant in 2001, is reported to have acted like “a lunatic,” running around the room liberating pizza slices, fries and desserts from the plates of other diners, including several children.
Continue reading “Prince Andrew accused of treating Pizza Express as personal buffet”
Late Late Show presenter Ryan Tubridy and U2 frontman Bono are to honour the memory of broadcasting legend Gay Byrne with a sponsored Harley Davidson ride.
Tubridy, often referred to as the Bono of TV presenters, announced that the pair will be riding from Montrose to Howth Head, in a journey to be broadcast live on his radio show.
Continue reading “Tubridy and Bono to honour Gaybo with Harley Ride”
Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn remains marooned in an Islington café last night after his agonising over whether to have cake or biscuit ran into a third day.
Corbyn is believed to be hoping that the café runs out of cake and biscuit before he is forced into a decision.
“I offered a free snack to all my regulars,” said café owner Stacey Raymond. “Most folk snapped it up and went on their way with a smile. Not Jeremy though.”
Corbyn dithered by the side of the counter, and waved through several other customers, before nursing a single cup of tea and hiding in the toilets until the café closed.
“He said he would definitely make a better decision than the Tories, but I’m still waiting,” said Raymond.
Former Prime Minster Theresa May rejected a free slice of black forest gateau at her local cafe, stating “Biscuit means biscuit.” The café did not stock biscuits.
Current PM Boris Johnson has issued a statement that he was “very confident” that he could “eat all the biscuits” at Raymond’s café despite being an Etonian reptile that subsists only on live mice and gerbils
Corbyn has not left the café since and has slept on a makeshift bed of tables for the last two nights.
“I told him he could just have the tea by itself,” said a frustrated Raymond, “but he still won’t budge out of that ratty sleeping bag. It’s driving away custom.”
The café is not expected to run out of cake or biscuits anytime soon, with Raymond expecting a fresh delivery tomorrow morning. This story looks set to run and run.
Fine Gael TD and national laughing stock Maria Bailey may be clinging to her job by a thread, but Down the Town News can exclusively reveal that she already has an alternative career lined up.
The Dun Laoghaire TD is selflessly planning to use her traumatic Swing-Gate experience to help improve safety standards at playgrounds around the country.
Continue reading “Exclusive: Maria Bailey planning career as playground safety consultant”
American tourist Daisy Dandelion has been left red-faced after encountering her first ever rugby match at her hotel bar.
“I thought it was a gay sex thing,” confessed the embarrassed New Yorker. “All I saw was a load of sweaty men smashing their bodies into each other and shoving their heads up their asses. Then they cut to some men in suits who showed the whole thing again in slow-motion”
Continue reading “American Tourist thought rugby was “a gay sex thing””
Irish rugby has received a welcome boost today after the IRFU announced details of a new sponsorship deal with Beamish stout.
A Beamish spokesperson stated that the drinks company is reviving their classic ‘Consistency in a World Gone Mad Campaign’ in conjunction with the IRFU.
“Irish rugby, like a pint of Beamish, is a model of consistency,” they stated. “While other teams swing wildly between success and failure we get knocked out in the quarter-finals every time. You can’t put a price on that type of dependability.”
The IRFU welcomed the partnership and stated that Beamish would now be the official energy drink for the Irish squad in an “innovative rugby-stout synergy.”
New head coach Andy Farrell said that having an alcoholic energy drink, high in hops and barley, could give his players an extra edge as they look to recapture the form that saw them rise to number one in the world rankings.
“Consistency is something every coach aims for and I believe Beamish can help us achieve our goals. We’ll be giving each player a six pack before training sessions,” said Farrell “and we hope it’ll allow them unlock their creativity and embrace a looser running game.”
Fans have speculated that the Irish team was already on the Beamish during last Saturday’s defeat to New Zealand, a claim both the IRFU and the drinks company deny.
Not content with voting for each other in the Dail, Fianna Fail gombeens Timmy Dooley and Niall Collins’ complex relationship has crossed into their home lives.
Limerick West TD Collins has voted six times for Dooley when the Clare TD couldn’t be arsed doing his job. He has also been filling in at the Dooley household, carrying out husbandly duties when Dooley fancies pints with the lads.
“It’s a long way home from Leinster House, and I often can’t face it,” admitted Dooley. “Niall’s a great man for the driving, and sure when you’re from a place like Patrickswell a night in Ennis is the height of excitement.”
Collins is believed to have deputised for Dooley on a number of occasions, attending family meals and functions.
“I usually send him over when the mother-in-law is visiting,” said Dooley, “or if the wife is hosting a dinner party.”
So frequent are Collins’ visits that he has now taken up semi-permanent residence in the Dooley’s spare bedroom.
“The cranks will say it’s making a mockery of marriage, but sure the wife loves him,” said Dooley, “and he knows how to press all the right buttons. I usually can’t perform my duties after a feed of pints.”
Down the Town News has seen a leaked Tory party memo in which government officials outline their confidence ahead of tomorrow’s Brexit vote.
Etonian reptile Prime Minister Boris Johnson is the key reason for this confidence. Despite seemingly difficult odds for the minority government the document takes heart from Johnson’s incredible history of deal making.
Below are some of the highlights:
With such incredible deals already in his back pocket Tory officials are confident of yet more success for Johnson on Saturday even though all rational logic points to probable defeat.
The man just cannot stop winning and Down the Town News salutes his reptilian tenacity.
Local rugby enthusiast Brian Boar has written to RTE, registering his shock that the national broadcaster ran an advert for Spar starring Ireland soccer captain Seamus Coleman.
“I mean, it’s the Rugby World Cup,” fumed Boar, “while I appreciate that Coleman is making the healthy choice buying the apple, it’s no place for him or any of the soccer lads.”
Despite the advert airing on a day when no matches were taking place, Boar felt that the underlying message was RTE again treating rugby as a second-class game.
“It’s no wonder they’ve lost the Six Nations, when that’s their attitude,” he said.
The average rugby fan, Boar believed, would much rather see what filling Johnny Sexton chose for his roll or if the Eimear-nator was continuing to get the better of Tommy Bowe and the lads playing video games.
“The Eimear-nator has become part of our national psyche,” stated Boar, “and we need her and her like to will us to glory. Seamus fucking Coleman, and I’ve nothing against him personally, is only diluting the message.”
“She really is a legend,” he continued, “the lads, and these are three of the greats we’re talking about here, didn’t even realise she was in the same room as them. That’s some ninja level shit.”
Boar, who has yet to hear back from RTE, stated that he will continue to write every day until Coleman is pulled from the airwaves.