Satirical Irish News
Marcus Rashford and celebrity chef Jamie Oliver have joined forces in a campaign to restore free lunches for beleaguered Manchester United staff.
Full lunches have reportedly been replaced at Old Trafford by a piece of fruit and at the club’s Carrington training ground by soup and a sandwich as partial owner ‘Brexit’ Jim Ratcliffe continues to cut costs.
Continue reading “Rashford and Oliver team up to restore free lunches for Manchester United staff”
A local woman has been left frustrated after Premier League referees made an absolute hames of assembling her newly purchased IKEA furniture.
Susan Susansson (28) ordered a number of items, including a wardrobe and bookshelves, from the Swedish retailer to furnish her new apartment.
“I’m rubbish at DIY” said Susansson. “I found the ad for PGMOL Handy Men online. Their rates were massively expensive, so I assumed they must be good.”
Continue reading “Local woman left frustrated after Premier League referees fail to assemble IKEA furniture”
Fresh from claims that he would turn Gaza into a holiday resort, US President Donald Trump has pivoted and now plans to create the world’s largest golf course.
“Who doesn’t love golf?” said The Melon Felon. “I love golf. I have courses in Ireland and Scotland. Great courses, the best. But Gaza could be something special, so big, so beautiful.
Continue reading “Trump to transform Gaza into world’s largest golf course”
Arsenal fans have banded together following Myles Lewis-Skelly’s red card against Wolves at the weekend and appealed to the European Court of Justice to overturn the decision.
The move comes after other avenues such as making unhinged social media posts and sending death threats to the referee responsible, Michael Oliver, proved fruitless.
Continue reading “Arsenal fans appeal red card to European Court of Justice”
US President Donald Trump has spoken to DTTN ahead of his inauguration, revealing that his perma-orange glow is a tribute to the Dutch football great Johan Cruyff.
“People ask me where I get my beautiful, year round tan” said Trump. “And I’ve gotta say it’s all thanks to Johan. He was a great player, the best.”
Continue reading “Trump: Oranje Glow a tribute to football great Cruyff”
An audience member at the World Darts Championship currently taking place at Alexandra Palace in London has been ejected from the venue for being too sober.
Darren ‘Daz Automatic’ Jenkins (34) was in attendance last night for the evening semi-final session featuring darts superstar Luke Littler when disaster struck.
Continue reading “Audience member kicked out of World Darts Championship for being too sober”
Former England footballer manager Gareth Southgate is in line to become the next James Bond, producers have announced.
Southgate, who bravely led the Three Lions to a further eight years hurt, is considered the perfect candidate to drag the often archaic franchise into the 21st century.
“Gareth created a friendlier, more inclusive England. And we want to use his skill set to create a friendlier, more inclusive Bond,” said a source.
Continue reading “Southgate to become next James Bond”
Following our previous article on cheerleaders for John O’Shea to be appointed as permanent manager of the Irish national men’s soccer team, there has been a significant backlash.
In the interests of balance DTTN has sought opinion from those opposed to appointing the Waterford man. Their thoughts are below:
Continue reading “John O’Shea – The Backlash”
The John O’Shea fan club, comprising of RTE Sport and the Ireland old boys club, is continuing to push for the Waterford man to be made permanent manager of the men’s senior football team.
Despite four mediocre performances yielding a solitary win courtesy of a comically butchered counter, O’Shea’s cheerleaders can’t stop singing his praises. Below are some of their recent pronouncements:
By: Clive Parrott, Snooker fan
What is wrong with this publication? I’ve opened it the last two days to see that snooker, the game I love, is either racist or an allegory for the fall of communism.
It’s neither of these things. It’s just a fucking game.
Continue reading “Opinion: Snooker is just a fucking game”