Satirical Irish News
American tourist Daisy Dandelion has been left red-faced after encountering her first ever rugby match at her hotel bar.
“I thought it was a gay sex thing,” confessed the embarrassed New Yorker. “All I saw was a load of sweaty men smashing their bodies into each other and shoving their heads up their asses. Then they cut to some men in suits who showed the whole thing again in slow-motion”
Continue reading “American Tourist thought rugby was “a gay sex thing””
Irish rugby has received a welcome boost today after the IRFU announced details of a new sponsorship deal with Beamish stout.
A Beamish spokesperson stated that the drinks company is reviving their classic ‘Consistency in a World Gone Mad Campaign’ in conjunction with the IRFU.
“Irish rugby, like a pint of Beamish, is a model of consistency,” they stated. “While other teams swing wildly between success and failure we get knocked out in the quarter-finals every time. You can’t put a price on that type of dependability.”
The IRFU welcomed the partnership and stated that Beamish would now be the official energy drink for the Irish squad in an “innovative rugby-stout synergy.”
New head coach Andy Farrell said that having an alcoholic energy drink, high in hops and barley, could give his players an extra edge as they look to recapture the form that saw them rise to number one in the world rankings.
“Consistency is something every coach aims for and I believe Beamish can help us achieve our goals. We’ll be giving each player a six pack before training sessions,” said Farrell “and we hope it’ll allow them unlock their creativity and embrace a looser running game.”
Fans have speculated that the Irish team was already on the Beamish during last Saturday’s defeat to New Zealand, a claim both the IRFU and the drinks company deny.
Local rugby enthusiast Brian Boar has written to RTE, registering his shock that the national broadcaster ran an advert for Spar starring Ireland soccer captain Seamus Coleman.
“I mean, it’s the Rugby World Cup,” fumed Boar, “while I appreciate that Coleman is making the healthy choice buying the apple, it’s no place for him or any of the soccer lads.”
Despite the advert airing on a day when no matches were taking place, Boar felt that the underlying message was RTE again treating rugby as a second-class game.
“It’s no wonder they’ve lost the Six Nations, when that’s their attitude,” he said.
The average rugby fan, Boar believed, would much rather see what filling Johnny Sexton chose for his roll or if the Eimear-nator was continuing to get the better of Tommy Bowe and the lads playing video games.
“The Eimear-nator has become part of our national psyche,” stated Boar, “and we need her and her like to will us to glory. Seamus fucking Coleman, and I’ve nothing against him personally, is only diluting the message.”
“She really is a legend,” he continued, “the lads, and these are three of the greats we’re talking about here, didn’t even realise she was in the same room as them. That’s some ninja level shit.”
Boar, who has yet to hear back from RTE, stated that he will continue to write every day until Coleman is pulled from the airwaves.
Local Councillor Willie Ryder has become embroiled in a racism controversy after throwing his weight behind Ireland’s Rugby World Cup campaign.
Ryder, who is heavily involved in the local GAA club, is not known for his oval ball expertise, but was spotted donning an Irish rugby jersey as he left a council meeting.
“Let’s get behind Joe Shit and the boys.” he told Down the Town News, “If Johnny Sexman can get a few more touchdowns we could be going all the way.”
Ryder, who has previously expressed his love for Liverpool FC, Irish boxing, Conor McGregor and the New England Patriots, is also believed to have ordered a rugby ball from O’Neill’s Sports Shop.
The Councillor stated that if the team won the World Cup he would “personally table a motion for them to be granted the freedom of the town.”
“It looks like it’s set for us to meet those black bastards in the quarter finals,” he said “and we all know how fast they can run, but I’ve full faith in Joe and the lads.”
When asked to clarify if he was referring to the New Zealand All Blacks, Ryder looked confused before responding “Blacks in general are just smug bastards. We need to keep Ireland for the Irish. I hope we smash them.”
Ryder is in his third and, now likely, final term as councillor.
Local GAA Star Micky McMichael was in disgrace last night after being barred from Chancers nightclub following a physical altercation with a young woman.
McMichael (22) was partying with friends in the local hotspot, displaying the legendary discipline that saw the local team lose in the first round of the championship again this year.
“It was my round.” said McMichael “The place was jammers and there was only one lad serving. The queue was two or three deep, and I was bursting for a slash.”
Displaying a level of fortitude previously unseen by most observers, McMichael stuck it out for ten minutes, before spotting an opening to the left of the bar area.
“The spot was mine, but as I went to nip in, your wan appeared from nowhere and made a dash for it.”
Showing more aggression than he has all season, McMichael braced himself, and stepped into his opponent with what he termed “a fair shoulder.”
The contact sent the young woman sprawling, face-first into Chancer’s famously sticky carpet. McMichael showed no contrition, as he stepped forward waving a fifty euro note to secure his drinks order.
The young woman suffered severe facial bruising, but is expected to make a full recovery.
Despite being barred from Chancers for life McMichael remained unrepentant.
“It’s not my fault she hadn’t planted her leading foot,” he insisted. “I’m just pissed off I didn’t get to drink the pint I’d paid for.”