Local man takes ‘Jennifer Lawrence’ blow up doll on Valentine’s date

A local man has created a stir by taking a blow up doll out for a romantic Valentine’s dinner at Don Carlos’ Italian restaurant.

Johnny Romeo (28) booked a table for two at the popular eatery with his date ‘Jennifer,’ named after his favourite Hollywood star Jennifer Lawrence.

“It’s all pure classy,” said Romeo. “I dressed her up like Jennifer’s character Katniss from The Hunger Games. But left the bow and arrow at home!”

Despite spending the duration of their meal getting perturbed glances from other diners, Romeo thoroughly enjoyed his large Hawaiian pizza and side of cheesy garlic bread. Jennifer did not order.

“She’s on a diet for her next role. I don’t like the crusts, so she had them. And we shared a bottle of wine,” said Romeo.

Romeo took the unorthodox move after growing tired of the usual dating apps.

“I’ve tried them all, but I never get a bite,” said the software engineer. “I posted all types of photos – sensitive with a puppy, intellectual holding a book and even some saucy dick pics for a select few lucky ladies. Jennifer doesn’t care about any of that. She just accepts me as I am.”

Following their meal the pair adjourned to Romeo’s apartment where they relaxed by watching one of Jennifer’s movies, before retiring for an early night.

Worried aides trying to keep Trump away from South Park film

White House officials are desperately scrambling today to keep knowledge of South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut from President Trump.

The 1999 film saw the US, led by South Park resident Sheila Broflovski, declare war on Canada over the foul-mouthed antics of Canadian entertainers Terrance and Phillip.

Fresh from slapping 25% tariffs on Canadian goods, it is understand the Orange Felon remains bullish, and may be looking to make further moves to punish the 51st state. And evangelical Christian groups are understood to be pushing for censorship on Canadian ‘filth.’

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My Struggle: Elon Musk to write bestselling memoir

Billionaire douche nozzle Elon Musk has announced he is to write a bestselling memoir.

The South African haemorrhoid made the announcement at the inauguration of his sock puppet Donald Trump.

The book, titled My Struggle, will take readers on a spell binding journey from Musk’s privileged, diamond mine owning, childhood in Pretoria, to his purchase of Tesla and desecration of the memory of Nikola Tesla, right through to taking charge of and completely obliterating Twitter purely to massage his Jupiterian ego.

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Opinion: 55 Years since ‘moon landing’ – the greatest con-job in human history

By: Willy E. Coyote, Local Historian

Today marks the 55 year anniversary of the 1969 American ‘moon landing’ when ‘astronauts’ Buzz Aldrin, Michael Collins and Neil Armstrong supposedly set foot on the lunar surface.

Official America will mark this is a cause for celebration, but the only achievement was the greatest, and most elaborate, con-job in human history.

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Films with Dion Hegarty – Despicable Me 4

Supervillians aren’t what they used to be.

Gru from the Despicable Me series is voiced by a 40 year old virgin and lives a dull suburban existence with his wife, four children and strange yellow pets.

Previously he had plans to steal the moon, but all he’s doing now is dreading his high school reunion. How bourgeois. Are we supposed to root for this colourless eunuch? And since when are villains protagonists?

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Deposed Tory Big Beasts release Africa cover version

Several high profile Tory ‘Big Beasts’ who lost their seats in last week’s general election have banded together to release a unique cover version of Africa by Toto.

Penny Mordaunt, Jacob Rees-Mogg, Liz Truss and more have been busy in the studio, recording a lament to the Tories Rwanda plan, which was callously scrapped by new Prime Minister Keir Starmer.

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Coldplay, England football team causing spike in sudden onset narcolepsy warns NHS

UK doctors have warned about a dangerous surge in sudden onset narcolepsy this weekend due to Coldplay’s performance at Glastonbury and the continued tediousness of England’s football team at the Euros.

“Narcolepsy causes patients to feel drowsy and need to sleep during the daytime,” said an NHS doctor. “The causes are not always clear, but this weekend we have seen a spike due to Coldplay and the football.”

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Lamar-Drake diss war inspires politicians around the world

The ongoing diss war between hip-hop stars Kendrick Lamar and Drake has captivated the entertainment world in the last week.

And many politicians have taken inspiration from the feuding rap titans, whose tracks have contained allegations of paedophilia and domestic abuse, with Lamar’s latest diss track Not Like Us appears providing particular inspiration.

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