Satirical Irish News
US President Donald Trump has had enough of the war on Covid-19 and is running away to join the circus.
Effective immediately Trump will take up a new role as The Amazing Donny Bleach with Fox & Friends Circus.
“We had an opening after the last Mr. Bleach quit for medical reasons,” said a Fox & Friends spokesperson. “President Trump contacted us and was very eager. We’re delighted to have him on board.”
Continue reading “Donald Trump to join the circus”
Local Football Manager player Ken Necker, has declared himself “humbled and over-whelmed” after his favourite team named their new stadium after him in his current game file.
Necker, a life-long Liverpool fan, has guided his virtual Reds team through 25 seasons, winning multiple Premier League and Champions League titles along the way.
And now the club has acknowledged his success by naming their newly opened ground after the greatest manager in the history.
Continue reading “Football Manager enthusiast gains virtual glory, loses relationship”
Universal Pictures has announced plans for Taken 4, with Liam Neeson to reprise his starring role for the first time since 2014.
Neeson will again feature as retired CIA agent Bryan Mills, but this time he will be facing his deadliest foe yet – the Coronavirus.
Plot details are yet to be announced, but it is expected that Taken 4 will follow the formula of the original trilogy, with Neeson’s daughter in peril at the hands of the dastardly virus.
Continue reading “Liam Neeson to battle Covid-19 in Taken 4”
Irish folk group The Wolfe Tones are to release an album of classic ballads re-imagined to take the fight to Covid-19
The group, famed for their anti-British rebel songs, said that Ireland has a new enemy to rail against and that they intend to lead the fight.
“For hundreds of years we’ve been oppressed by the Brits, but finally something’s come along that’s even worse. Covid-19 is about to feel the wrath of the righteous Gael,” said the group’s press release.
Continue reading “Wolfe Tones to release album of anti Covid-19 ballads”
In a surprise move, The National Women’s Council of Ireland (NWCI) has adopted the Beastie Boys song Girls as the organisation’s official anthem.
The 1986 hit, from the Beastie’s classic Licensed to Ill album features the lyrics “Girls…to do the dishes, to clean up my room, to do the laundry and in the bathroom.”
A spokesperson for the NWCI said that the song showcased “the diversity of employment opportunities available to the modern career woman.”
Continue reading “National Women’s Council of Ireland adopts Beastie Boys song as official anthem”
Local poultry farmer and television obsessive Robbie Evans has launched yet another attempt to catapult his brood to superstardom with his planned remake of Stranger Things.
“Stranger Hens is the show Netflix wished they made,” said Evans “we’re going to get all the hens gussied up in double denim for that 80’s feel and I’ll lash a bit of Patsy Cline on the ol’ stereo.”
Continue reading “Local Farmer still trying to get his hens on telly”
The latest contender to become cinema’s next great action hero has arrived, and he’s an animated sheep.
Shaun the Sheep: Farmageddon is a high-octane supernatural thriller with Shaun battling evil alien forces to save his farm armed only with a fleece and a wry sense of humour.
At least that’s what it looked like from the trailer. I had to leave my screening as it was full of screaming children mashing popcorn into the seats and each other. I’ve nothing against children, besides the noise and their general presence, but I’m astounded that this hard-boiled sci-fi epic is considered suitable entertainment.
Continue reading “Films with Dion Hegarty – Shaun the Sheep: Farmageddon”
Ahead of the UK general election a new poll has revealed that 63% of UK voters want I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here winner Jacqueline Jossa to be their next Prime Minister.
The former Eastenders actor proved particularly popular amongst pro-Brexit voters, many of whom stated that Jossa’s decisive victory showed her capable of “getting Brexit done.”
“Boris talks about his oven ready deal,” said one frustrated bigot, “but he’s never had to cook beans over a camp-fire or hold a huge spider in his mouth. This is the kind of steely individual we need to tell Europe to go eat some kangaroo testicles. And she’s got a lovely singing voice.”
Continue reading “Poll: UK voters want Jacqueline Jossa as Prime Minister”
I’ve never seen Frozen because I’m not a six year old girl. I am, however, a professional, and as research I downloaded the original to see what I was in for.
It’s this fairy tale shite about two sisters who have a falling out. One becomes Queen and the other storms out in a huff. There’s no fight scene and neither appears to have any martial arts training.
Continue reading “Films with Dion Hegarty – Frozen 2”
A highly suggestible local woman has completely lost the plot and now believes she is Jessica Fletcher after binge watching the complete Murder She Wrote box set.
Angela Angle, who was bored senseless at home recuperating from a heavy flu, borrowed the box set from her sister as a desperation measure and was soon hooked.
In addition to getting her hair set, and assuming a supercilious, nosey air, Angle purchased a vintage typewriter which she is using to bash out lurid, second-rate crime fiction.
Continue reading “Murder She Wrote: Highly Suggestible Local Woman believes she is Jessica Fletcher after box set binge”