Local pedant William Q. Halibut has ignited controversy in
the music world by insisting that Axl Rose was talking through his hoop in the
lyrics to Guns ‘n’ Roses famous hit November
Rain.
“Well,” said
Halibut as he pushed his glasses up his nose, “it’s nonsense if you stop and
think about it.”
In the song Rose
states that it is hard to “hold a candle in the cold November rain.” Halibut
claims that holding a candle in November rain, or indeed any inclement weather
conditions, would not prove problematic.
Late Late Show presenter Ryan Tubridy and U2 frontman Bono are to honour the memory of broadcasting legend Gay Byrne with a sponsored Harley Davidson ride.
Tubridy, often referred to as the Bono of
TV presenters, announced that the pair will be riding from Montrose to Howth
Head, in a journey to be broadcast live on his radio show.
Labour leader Jeremy
Corbyn remains marooned in an Islington café last night after his agonising
over whether to have cake or biscuit ran into a third day.
Corbyn is believed to be hoping that the café
runs out of cake and biscuit before he is forced into a decision.
“I offered a free snack to all my regulars,”
said café owner Stacey Raymond. “Most folk snapped it up and went on their way
with a smile. Not Jeremy though.”
Corbyn dithered by the side of the counter,
and waved through several other customers, before nursing a single cup of tea
and hiding in the toilets until the café closed.
“He said he would definitely make a better
decision than the Tories, but I’m still waiting,” said Raymond.
Former Prime Minster
Theresa May rejected a free slice of black forest gateau at her local cafe,
stating “Biscuit means biscuit.” The café did not stock biscuits.
Current PM Boris Johnson has issued a
statement that he was “very confident” that he could “eat all the biscuits” at
Raymond’s café despite being an Etonian reptile that subsists only on live mice
and gerbils
Corbyn has not left the café since and has
slept on a makeshift bed of tables for the last two nights.
“I told him he could just have the tea by
itself,” said a frustrated Raymond, “but he still won’t budge out of that ratty
sleeping bag. It’s driving away custom.”
The café is not expected to run out of cake
or biscuits anytime soon, with Raymond expecting a fresh delivery tomorrow
morning. This story looks set to run and run.
I’ll be honest with you here, I have no idea who Judy
Garland is. Wikipedia tells me that she starred in something called The Wizard of Oz, which features a young
girl, a lion, a scarecrow, some manner of tin contraption and a dog.
From what I can
tell it’s a prototype Avengers style romp where a group of misfits track down
and dispatch the wizard, who has stolen their superpowers.
They’re all wetting their pants about Joker. The ‘film of the year’, five stars across the board, Golden Lion and all. Well, they’re wrong. It’s not even funny.
If you’re going to do a film about a clown you’d better
throw in a few jokes; a few zingy one liners like Arnie delivered as Colonel
John Matrix in the seminal Commando. But
no, not a bean.
Instead we get
Joaquin Phoenix moping around, doing depressing shit and living his depressing
life. How can a man who works as a clown be so miserable?
The film tries to
be deep and moves away from all the homoerotic spandex you usually get with
these superhero things. You wouldn’t ever see John Matrix in spandex. He was a
real man.
At least with
other superhero films you get some big explosions at the end and some cool
action sequences where all the good lads in spandex finally defeated the bad
lads in spandex.
Not in Joker though. In Joker there’s a scene where Phoenix shoots a gun a few times, and another later one where he gets it out again. Whoop-dee-fucking-doo. It’s not even big. It’s the kind of gun Matrix would laugh at then snap in half.
