Satirical Irish News
The global economy has been left reeling this week after Donald Trump completed his school project of creating random tariff rates for every country he knows the name of, and some he doesn’t.
The US President proudly displayed his tariff board at a White House press conference, with Trump staffers confirming that the Melon Felon cut out all the numbers by himself and didn’t even ask a grown-up help him use the scissors.
Continue reading “World cowers as Trump discovers how numbers work”
Concerns have been raised by international aid organisations as convicted sex offenders met in The White House this St. Patrick’s Day.
The alarm comes as former UFC fighter and sex offender Conor McGregor travelled to Washington to meet former reality TV star and sex offender Donald Trump.
Continue reading “Concerns raised as Irish and American sex offenders meet in White House”
Marcus Rashford and celebrity chef Jamie Oliver have joined forces in a campaign to restore free lunches for beleaguered Manchester United staff.
Full lunches have reportedly been replaced at Old Trafford by a piece of fruit and at the club’s Carrington training ground by soup and a sandwich as partial owner ‘Brexit’ Jim Ratcliffe continues to cut costs.
Continue reading “Rashford and Oliver team up to restore free lunches for Manchester United staff”
Melon felon Donald Trump has continued his attack on Volodymyr Zelenskyy, claiming that the Ukrainian leader is just Osama bin Laden in disguise.
“Think about it folks,” said the tangerine rapist. “Bin Laden was ‘taken out’ by the Obama administration. The Democrats couldn’t even take out their trash!
My super intelligence, so much intelligence, is telling me that Obama, if that is his real name, folks, was part of a plot, a very deadly un-American plot to raise the price of eggs and relocate bin Laden and the eggs to Ukraine.
Continue reading “Trump: Zelenskyy is just Bin Laden in disguise”
A local man has created a stir by taking a blow up doll out for a romantic Valentine’s dinner at Don Carlos’ Italian restaurant.
Johnny Romeo (28) booked a table for two at the popular eatery with his date ‘Jennifer,’ named after his favourite Hollywood star Jennifer Lawrence.
“It’s all pure classy,” said Romeo. “I dressed her up like Jennifer’s character Katniss from The Hunger Games. But left the bow and arrow at home!”
Despite spending the duration of their meal getting perturbed glances from other diners, Romeo thoroughly enjoyed his large Hawaiian pizza and side of cheesy garlic bread. Jennifer did not order.
“She’s on a diet for her next role. I don’t like the crusts, so she had them. And we shared a bottle of wine,” said Romeo.
Romeo took the unorthodox move after growing tired of the usual dating apps.
“I’ve tried them all, but I never get a bite,” said the software engineer. “I posted all types of photos – sensitive with a puppy, intellectual holding a book and even some saucy dick pics for a select few lucky ladies. Jennifer doesn’t care about any of that. She just accepts me as I am.”
Following their meal the pair adjourned to Romeo’s apartment where they relaxed by watching one of Jennifer’s movies, before retiring for an early night.
Fresh from claims that he would turn Gaza into a holiday resort, US President Donald Trump has pivoted and now plans to create the world’s largest golf course.
“Who doesn’t love golf?” said The Melon Felon. “I love golf. I have courses in Ireland and Scotland. Great courses, the best. But Gaza could be something special, so big, so beautiful.
Continue reading “Trump to transform Gaza into world’s largest golf course”
White House officials are desperately scrambling today to keep knowledge of South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut from President Trump.
The 1999 film saw the US, led by South Park resident Sheila Broflovski, declare war on Canada over the foul-mouthed antics of Canadian entertainers Terrance and Phillip.
Fresh from slapping 25% tariffs on Canadian goods, it is understand the Orange Felon remains bullish, and may be looking to make further moves to punish the 51st state. And evangelical Christian groups are understood to be pushing for censorship on Canadian ‘filth.’
Continue reading “Worried aides trying to keep Trump away from South Park film”
US President Donald Trump has continued his attack on DEI (Diversity, Equity & Inclusion) policies in the wake of the tragic crash between an American Airlines jet and an army helicopter in Washington DC.
Despite there being no evidence that DEI hires had anything to do with the crash, the White House has turned the hate nozzle to ten and continued to spray grade A effluence.
Continue reading “‘Pilots are just heads in a jar’ – Trump attacks American Airlines DEI hires”
Arsenal fans have banded together following Myles Lewis-Skelly’s red card against Wolves at the weekend and appealed to the European Court of Justice to overturn the decision.
The move comes after other avenues such as making unhinged social media posts and sending death threats to the referee responsible, Michael Oliver, proved fruitless.
Continue reading “Arsenal fans appeal red card to European Court of Justice”
Billionaire douche nozzle Elon Musk has announced he is to write a bestselling memoir.
The South African haemorrhoid made the announcement at the inauguration of his sock puppet Donald Trump.
The book, titled My Struggle, will take readers on a spell binding journey from Musk’s privileged, diamond mine owning, childhood in Pretoria, to his purchase of Tesla and desecration of the memory of Nikola Tesla, right through to taking charge of and completely obliterating Twitter purely to massage his Jupiterian ego.
Continue reading “My Struggle: Elon Musk to write bestselling memoir”