International

July 14, 2024July 14, 2024

Local conspiracy theorist feeling vindicated following Trump assassination attempt

A local conspiracy theorist is enjoying an ‘I told you so’ moment following the assassination attempt on former US President Donald Trump at a rally in Pennsylvania.

“The deep state Dems conspiracy is behind this,” said Stewie Bannon (57). “First they called him a sex offender, it didn’t stick. Then they called him a felon. That didn’t stick either. Now they’re so desperate they tried to kill him.

July 10, 2024July 10, 2024

Deposed Tory Big Beasts release Africa cover version

Several high profile Tory ‘Big Beasts’ who lost their seats in last week’s general election have banded together to release a unique cover version of Africa by Toto.

Penny Mordaunt, Jacob Rees-Mogg, Liz Truss and more have been busy in the studio, recording a lament to the Tories Rwanda plan, which was callously scrapped by new Prime Minister Keir Starmer.

June 3, 2024June 3, 2024

Local woman plans on being Rupert Murdoch’s sixth wife

Media mogul lizard Rupert Murdoch made the headlines again this weekend after getting married for the fifth time.

The Australian (93) tied the knot with Elena Zhukova (67) in California on Saturday, but one local woman is already looking ahead to Murdoch’s next marriage.

Sharon Curley (64), a retired hairdresser and former proprietor of Short and Curleys salon, told DTTN that she had already sent a detailed proposal to Fox Executives to pass on to Murdoch.

May 31, 2024May 31, 2024

Mexican President vows to build wall to keep out Trump

Outgoing Mexican President Andres Manuel Lopez Obrador has vowed that the country will build a wall to keep out American felons like Donald Trump.

With the Mexican general election taking place on Sunday all parties have agreed that a wall, the larger the better, is the only way to keep Mexican citizens safe from the demon Americano.

May 27, 2024May 27, 2024

Local Influencer traumatised by ‘gaudy’ election posters

A local influencer has been left traumatised after weeks of exposure to posters for the upcoming local and European elections.

“They’re just so gaudy, so tacky,” said Camilla Chamomile (25), “the colour schemes are sickly, the shots off centre. So, so just not Insta worthy.”

Chamomile has been so upset by the posters that she is now afraid to leave her apartment until after election day on 7^th June.

May 21, 2024May 21, 2024

Local man disappointed that portal doesn’t lead to Narnia

The Dublin-New York livestream portal is back online. And while many have complained about heavy-handed moderation, one local man is dealing with a whole other level of disappointment.

Colm Lewis (54), who travelled to Dublin by bus yesterday, shocked onlookers when he attempted to fling himself through the portal on North Earl Street.

May 8, 2024May 8, 2024

Lamar-Drake diss war inspires politicians around the world

The ongoing diss war between hip-hop stars Kendrick Lamar and Drake has captivated the entertainment world in the last week.

And many politicians have taken inspiration from the feuding rap titans, whose tracks have contained allegations of paedophilia and domestic abuse, with Lamar’s latest diss track Not Like Us appears providing particular inspiration.

May 4, 2024May 4, 2024

Opinion: Snooker is just a fucking game

By: Clive Parrott, Snooker fan

What is wrong with this publication? I’ve opened it the last two days to see that snooker, the game I love, is either racist or an allegory for the fall of communism.

It’s neither of these things. It’s just a fucking game.

April 28, 2024April 28, 2024

Harris and Sunak to decide asylum seeker’s fate over game of Rock Paper Scissors

According to recent reports 80% of people seeking asylum in Ireland are arriving here via Northern Ireland.

That’s something British Prime Minister Rishi Sunak is particularly pleased about, as his threat of shipping asylum seekers off to Rwanda appears to be an effective deterrent.

However, Taoiseach Simon Harris is sick of Sunak’s shit and has challenged him to a game of Rock Paper Scissors to decide the fate of the asylum applicants.

April 12, 2024April 12, 2024

Satan to launch Naked Gun reboot with OJ Simpson

Satan is to launch a reboot of the Naked Gun comedy series starring OJ Simpson.

In a surprise announcement The Prince of Darkness, who is a huge fan of the 1990s comedy series, is to direct with OJ Simpson to reprise his role as Detective Nordberg.

“I’ve been waiting for OJ’s arrival,” said Satan. “He’s the final piece in the jigsaw. The man just looks sensational in a pair of gloves and can handle a car at any speed. That’s star quality.”