Satirical Irish News
By: Clive Parrott, Snooker fan
What is wrong with this publication? I’ve opened it the last two days to see that snooker, the game I love, is either racist or an allegory for the fall of communism.
It’s neither of these things. It’s just a fucking game.
Continue reading “Opinion: Snooker is just a fucking game”
According to recent reports 80% of people seeking asylum in Ireland are arriving here via Northern Ireland.
That’s something British Prime Minister Rishi Sunak is particularly pleased about, as his threat of shipping asylum seekers off to Rwanda appears to be an effective deterrent.
However, Taoiseach Simon Harris is sick of Sunak’s shit and has challenged him to a game of Rock Paper Scissors to decide the fate of the asylum applicants.
Continue reading “Harris and Sunak to decide asylum seeker’s fate over game of Rock Paper Scissors”
Satan is to launch a reboot of the Naked Gun comedy series starring OJ Simpson.
In a surprise announcement The Prince of Darkness, who is a huge fan of the 1990s comedy series, is to direct with OJ Simpson to reprise his role as Detective Nordberg.
“I’ve been waiting for OJ’s arrival,” said Satan. “He’s the final piece in the jigsaw. The man just looks sensational in a pair of gloves and can handle a car at any speed. That’s star quality.”
Continue reading “Satan to launch Naked Gun reboot with OJ Simpson”
A local man has accused Kate Middleton of shooting JFK and faking the moon landing, amongst other things.
Conor Conspirator (25) finally put the pieces together after seeing Middleton’s doctored Mother’s Day photograph.
Continue reading “Kate Middleton shot JFK claims local man”
Leo Varadkar is busy enjoying his all-expenses paid junket to Washington to serve shamrock and smiles to the US.
However, The Taoiseach also has domestic matters on his mind, namely Ireland’s rugby clash with Scotland in Dublin on Saturday that could see Andy Farrell’s men claim the Six Nations Championship.
Continue reading “Varadkar calls for Ireland rugby team to be awarded Six Nations Championship”
Cork and its inhabitants are going to be even more insufferable than usual after Cillian Murphy won Best Actor at last night’s Oscars.
“Cillian is pure sound,” said one Cork feen. “This Oscar is for all of us; every man, woman and child of Cork. And we’re all looking forward to our turn to have the Oscar in the good room for the night.”
Continue reading “Cork to be even more insufferable after Cillian Murphy Oscar win”
Apple has today been fined €1.8 billion by the EU Commission for abusive App Store rules over the past ten years that have seen customers overpaying for music streaming.
But, in an unexpected turn of events, Apple users have reacted to the news by setting up a GoFundMe page for Apple to cover their fine and any other legal costs.
The ‘Justice for Apple’ page has announced their campaign by stating “The EU’s vendetta against our beloved Apple has gone too far.”
Continue reading “Apple users vow to pay company’s €1.8 billion EU fine”
Liverpool’s youngsters are facing detention after sleeping in and missing school following their defeat of Chelsea in Sunday’s League Cup final.
Manager Jurgen Klopp, who included eight academy players in his squad, has taken full responsibility and apologised on the under 14’s behalf.
Continue reading “Klopp Kids miss school following Wembley celebrations”
Former US President Donald Trump is today celebrating after breaking more records in civil court actions.
Trump has been ordered to pay $355 million for fraud and banned from running businesses in New York for three years. This follows last month’s ruling that the fraudster owed writer E. Jean Carroll $83m for sexual assault.
“Every time I go to court I’m breaking records, so many records” said the sex offender. “These judges can charge what they want, but it means nothing. I am a wealthy man. So much money, it’s beautiful folks.”
Continue reading ““So much winning” – Trump breaks records for civil fines”
Pop superstar Taylor Swift is today celebrating being the first woman to win the Super Bowl after her Kansas City Chiefs beat the San Francisco 49ers in a dramatic overtime finish.
Swift was named player of the match after throwing and catching the pass for the winning touchdown. Swift also kicked the field goal that took the game to overtime and made a crucial block on a 49er conversion attempt.
Continue reading “Taylor Swift single-handedly wins Super Bowl for Kansas City”