Local student Shane McShane remains a virgin, despite going around town boasting about all the riding he’s doing up in the big city.
McShane has recently started an Electronic Engineering degree, but is still returning home at the weekends so his Mammy can wash his clothes and give him a proper feed of spuds.
“The Chickadees love a man with a large protractor,” he told friends down the pub, “and there’s none bigger than mine.”
McShane has further proven his manhood by swaggering from pub to pub, displaying his roll of unused condoms to anyone showing an interest, and many who don’t.
“You’ve gotta be prepared,” he was heard advising a group of anxious 5th years over cans in the local park.
However, McShane has confided to his best friend, who confided in Down the Town News, that he not only remains a virgin, but hasn’t got so much as “a bit of boob” in the city.
Johnny Rosewater, who has asked to remain anonymous, said that McShane was always useless with the girls anyway, and that the city women were “far too sophisticated for that gobshite.”
In cruel, and frankly unnecessary, additional detail, he added that McShane’s mammy “still irons his jocks.”
Rosewater, like McShane is still believed to be a virgin, along with every other young fella from the parish who has left for college this year.