DownTheTownNews

February 11, 2025February 12, 2025

Local woman left frustrated after Premier League referees fail to assemble IKEA furniture

A local woman has been left frustrated after Premier League referees made an absolute hames of assembling her newly purchased IKEA furniture.

Susan Susansson (28) ordered a number of items, including a wardrobe and bookshelves, from the Swedish retailer to furnish her new apartment.

“I’m rubbish at DIY” said Susansson. “I found the ad for PGMOL Handy Men online. Their rates were massively expensive, so I assumed they must be good.”

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February 7, 2025February 7, 2025

Trump to transform Gaza into world’s largest golf course

Fresh from claims that he would turn Gaza into a holiday resort, US President Donald Trump has pivoted and now plans to create the world’s largest golf course.

“Who doesn’t love golf?” said The Melon Felon. “I love golf. I have courses in Ireland and Scotland. Great courses, the best. But Gaza could be something special, so big, so beautiful.

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February 5, 2025February 21, 2025

Local man doesn’t want power back anytime soon

It’s been two weeks since Storm Éowyn hit the country and more than 25,000 homes are still without power.

Parts of Galway, Mayo and Roscommon have been worst hit, and there have been calls for compensation to be paid for affected customers.

However, one local man is revelling in his temporary electricity free life.

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February 3, 2025February 3, 2025

Worried aides trying to keep Trump away from South Park film

White House officials are desperately scrambling today to keep knowledge of South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut from President Trump.

The 1999 film saw the US, led by South Park resident Sheila Broflovski, declare war on Canada over the foul-mouthed antics of Canadian entertainers Terrance and Phillip.

Fresh from slapping 25% tariffs on Canadian goods, it is understand the Orange Felon remains bullish, and may be looking to make further moves to punish the 51^st state. And evangelical Christian groups are understood to be pushing for censorship on Canadian ‘filth.’

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February 1, 2025February 5, 2025

‘Pilots are just heads in a jar’ – Trump attacks American Airlines DEI hires

US President Donald Trump has continued his attack on DEI (Diversity, Equity & Inclusion) policies in the wake of the tragic crash between an American Airlines jet and an army helicopter in Washington DC.

Despite there being no evidence that DEI hires had anything to do with the crash, the White House has turned the hate nozzle to ten and continued to spray grade A effluence.

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January 30, 2025January 30, 2025

Local bin historian voted as Ireland’s most boring man

A local historian has made national headlines after being awarded the title of Ireland’s most boring man.

Ken Roman (67), who specialises in the history of refuse collection, won the poll conducted by Banter.ie after being nominated by his drinking buddies down the local.

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January 27, 2025January 27, 2025

Arsenal fans appeal red card to European Court of Justice

Arsenal fans have banded together following Myles Lewis-Skelly’s red card against Wolves at the weekend and appealed to the European Court of Justice to overturn the decision.

The move comes after other avenues such as making unhinged social media posts and sending death threats to the referee responsible, Michael Oliver, proved fruitless.

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January 24, 2025January 24, 2025

Local man starts new career as bread tout

A local man is on a unique new career path as Ireland’s first bread tout.

Billy Brennan (54) has handed in his notice at his accounting job in order to exclusively focus on trading on the bread black market.

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January 23, 2025January 24, 2025

“Like having chips and rice with your curry” – regional independent TDs fight back

There were extraordinary scenes in Leinster House yesterday with Dail proceedings suspended several times as four regional TDs who were part of government formation talks, believed they should be allowed form an ‘opposition’ technical group.

Naturally, this drew outrage from the actual opposition. However, the foursome have hit back by releasing individual statements to the media.

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January 21, 2025January 25, 2025

My Struggle: Elon Musk to write bestselling memoir

Billionaire douche nozzle Elon Musk has announced he is to write a bestselling memoir.

The South African haemorrhoid made the announcement at the inauguration of his sock puppet Donald Trump.

The book, titled My Struggle, will take readers on a spell binding journey from Musk’s privileged, diamond mine owning, childhood in Pretoria, to his purchase of Tesla and desecration of the memory of Nikola Tesla, right through to taking charge of and completely obliterating Twitter purely to massage his Jupiterian ego.

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