Ahead of the UK
general election a new poll has revealed that 63% of UK voters want I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here winner
Jacqueline Jossa to be their next Prime Minister.
The former Eastenders actor proved particularly popular amongst pro-Brexit voters,
many of whom stated that Jossa’s decisive victory showed her capable of
“getting Brexit done.”
“Boris talks about his oven ready deal,”
said one frustrated bigot, “but he’s never had to cook beans over a camp-fire
or hold a huge spider in his mouth. This is the kind of steely individual we
need to tell Europe to go eat some kangaroo testicles. And she’s got a lovely
singing voice.”
Down the Town News has seen a leaked Tory party memo in
which government officials outline their confidence ahead of tomorrow’s Brexit
vote.
Etonian reptile
Prime Minister Boris Johnson is the key reason for this confidence. Despite
seemingly difficult odds for the minority government the document takes heart
from Johnson’s incredible history of deal making.
Below are some of
the highlights:
Age 12 Johnson swaps a slightly turned rice pudding for two Twixes and a Mars Bar from the Eton tuck shop. #TakethatBarnier.
Age 16 Johnson persuades an irresponsible adult to buy him a packet of cigarettes and a half of gin from the off license. #RuleBrittania
Age 23 Johnson convinces a fully sober compos mentis female to have sexual intercourse. #Nomorebendybananas
Age 29 During a boozy weekend in Dublin Johnson successfully closes a meal deal for a hot chicken baguette, can of coke and packet of cheese and onion Tayto in Centra. #Backstop
Age 35 After a mere decade in journalism Johnson receives his first letter supporting his reactionary views. #Burkaletterbox
Age 48 Johnson manages to wrangle £5 a month off his broadband bill after ringing up his provider and threatening to cancel his account. #Bluepassport
Age 55 Despite years of buffoonish, racist and sexist bulllshit Johnson manages to convince Tory party members that he is vaguely competent and capable of being PM. #DontmentionIran
With such incredible deals already in his back pocket Tory
officials are confident of yet more success for Johnson on Saturday even though
all rational logic points to probable defeat.
The man just cannot
stop winning and Down the Town News salutes his reptilian tenacity.
