Satirical Irish News
Local call centre supervisor Gareth Ratburger has not taken any of his annual leave allowance so far this year, as he just knows the place will fall apart without him.
“Even one week could be fatal,” said a weary Ratburger, as he faced into his 68th consecutive working week, “this lot are useless. I don’t want to be coming home to a P45.”
Continue reading “Local supervisor just knows place will fall apart if he goes on holiday”
A local surfer is super stoked at taking on the expected second wave of Covid-19.
Keanu Swash (22), who is prone to confusion, said that every surfer spent a lifetime chasing their ultimate wave and this one could be his.
Continue reading “Local surfer looking forward to gnarly second Covid-19 wave”
Fast food giant McDonald’s have announced a new range of Covid-19 themed happy meals.
Customers will be able to collect six Covid themed toys, including nurses and doctors in face masks, mini-respirators and social distancing stickers.
Continue reading “McDonald’s announce Covid-19 Happy Meal”
A local man’s life has been plunged into disarray after his phone was hacked by the government’s Covid tracking app.
Willie Wanderer (42), claims that the app’s sinister behaviour has left his marriage hanging by a tread, after covertly registering him for a number of dating sites.
Continue reading “Local Man’s phone hacked by Covid Tracker App”
A local man has completely pissed off his cocooning friend by video calling him as he wolfed down a large Big Mac meal.
Johnny Halfburger (28) made the call directly after a visit to the McDonalds drive-thru.
Continue reading “Local man taunts cocooning friend with McDonald’s scoffing video call”
In an exclusive sit down interview with DTTN infamous virus Covid-19 has lashed out at the people of Ireland for the lack of welcome it’s received since hitting our shores several months ago.
“Flu and cold told me that Ireland was the land of the céad míle fáilte, but all I’ve had is door after door slammed in my face. The Irish have been so rude and unwelcoming. It’s almost as if they don’t want me here.”
Continue reading “Exclusive: Covid-19 disappointed at lack of traditional Irish welcome”
A local office drone is in shock after being made redundant despite assurances from management that Covid-19 would not lead to job cuts.
James Broad, who worked for the company for 15 years without ever once being late or taking a sick day, even that time he broke his leg, had believed that his unblemished record and management promises would see him through.
Continue reading “Management assurances revealed to be Corporate Bollox”
RTE has announced plans for a new sitcom starring Chief Medical Officer Dr. Tony Holohan.
Covid & The Doc will star Dr. Holohan as the titular Doc, in what RTE hope will be the jewel in the crown of their light entertainment summer schedule.
Continue reading “Dr. Tony Holohan to star in RTE sitcom”
Alan Sugar has gone viral on social media after selecting Covid-19 as his next business partner.
Sugar, who invests £250,000 in a new partner every year through The Apprentice, is believed to have grown weary of the constant parade of puffed-up narcissists with half-baked business plans competing for his attention.
Continue reading “Alan Sugar chooses Covid-19 as business partner”
Ryanair boss Michael O’Leary has applied for a Covid-19 payment from the government.
O’Leary (59) has furloughed his position as part of cost cutting exercises at the airline and has applied online to claim his 350 Euro a week.
“I’m sick of the national airlines getting all the government goodies, while Ryanair is left swinging in the wind like a eunuch at an orgy,” he said. “It’s about time I got something back.”
Continue reading “Michael O’Leary applies for Covid-19 payment”