Lockdown

May 7, 2020November 24, 2020

Over 70s creating surge in demand for Fake IDs

Previously the domain of the underage drinker, Fake IDs are now in high demand from cocooning over 70s, according to local forgery expert Donny Connors.

“5km doesn’t take you very far. A lot of older people would like to get out for a walk on the beach, or just visit their favourite supermarket. However, they are afraid of passing through Garda checkpoints. That’s where I can help.”

May 5, 2020May 5, 2020

Exclusive: Government Lockdown exit strategy inspired by Craig David song

Taoiseach Leo Varadkar has revealed that the government’s five phase lockdown exit strategy was inspired by the Craig David hit 7 Days.

“We were struggling to come up with a coherent strategy. Then 7 Days came on my smooth garage Spotify playlist. It was a real Eureka moment.”

May 1, 2020May 13, 2020

Local Drug Dealer switching to baking products

An enterprising local drug dealer has expanded his range to offer a number of in-demand baking goods.

Graham ‘Gram’ Goggin is now stocking yeast, cocoa powder and self-raising flour instead of his traditional fare.

April 27, 2020May 3, 2020

Bored Garda operating ‘Dirty Harry’ style lockdown checkpoint

A local Garda is facing disciplinary proceedings for operating a ‘Dirty Harry’ style checkpoint while enforcing lockdown measures.

Garda Colin Frolic, who was bored senseless from asking every fecking driver where they were going, is alleged to have spiced up his routine by deploying techniques learnt from watching Clint Eastwood’s notoriously maverick detective.

April 11, 2020April 11, 2020

Local Busybody run off her feet during lockdown

The local busybody has been run off her feet keeping track of all her neighbour’s movements during the Covid-19 lockdown.

Maureen Mooney (68) has been spending her days behind the net curtains of the front bedroom with a notepad and a pair of binoculars.

“I’m keeping detailed notes on all the neighbours in my ledgers. I’ve a page for each house and a column for each household member,” said the retired shop assistant.