Satirical Irish News
US President Donald Trump’s war against Covid-19 is getting personal.
The President is now set to face the virus at WWE Summerslam, after trash-talking it at his daily press conference.
Continue reading “Trump to face Covid-19 at WWE Summerslam”
Michael Healy-Rae has released a statement, calling on the government to revise their lockdown exit strategy to open the entire county of Kerry as Phase 1.
“The people of Kerry have already paid a heavy price. We’ve not seen head nor tail of an American tourist for weeks.
Continue reading “Healy-Rae calls for Kerry to be re-opened”
With Leaving Cert results now set to be decided by predictive grading, many students are scrambling to repair strained teacher relationships.
And a new scheme launched by local student Emer O’Rowe may be of assistance with their bridge-building.
Continue reading “Leaving Cert students plying teachers with ‘points’ gift boxes”
An enterprising local drug dealer has expanded his range to offer a number of in-demand baking goods.
Graham ‘Gram’ Goggin is now stocking yeast, cocoa powder and self-raising flour instead of his traditional fare.
Continue reading “Local Drug Dealer switching to baking products”
John Waters and Gemma O’Doherty are to stage a public sing-in ahead of their High Court appearance next week.
The pair, who argue that the country’s Covid-19 restrictions are unconstitutional, are to lead supporters in a non-stop performance of the 1994 Eurovision Song Contest winner Rock ‘n’ Roll Kids.
Continue reading “Waters & O’Doherty to stage High Court sing-in”
US President Donald Trump has had enough of the war on Covid-19 and is running away to join the circus.
Effective immediately Trump will take up a new role as The Amazing Donny Bleach with Fox & Friends Circus.
“We had an opening after the last Mr. Bleach quit for medical reasons,” said a Fox & Friends spokesperson. “President Trump contacted us and was very eager. We’re delighted to have him on board.”
Continue reading “Donald Trump to join the circus”
Universal Pictures has announced plans for Taken 4, with Liam Neeson to reprise his starring role for the first time since 2014.
Neeson will again feature as retired CIA agent Bryan Mills, but this time he will be facing his deadliest foe yet – the Coronavirus.
Plot details are yet to be announced, but it is expected that Taken 4 will follow the formula of the original trilogy, with Neeson’s daughter in peril at the hands of the dastardly virus.
Continue reading “Liam Neeson to battle Covid-19 in Taken 4”
Irish folk group The Wolfe Tones are to release an album of classic ballads re-imagined to take the fight to Covid-19
The group, famed for their anti-British rebel songs, said that Ireland has a new enemy to rail against and that they intend to lead the fight.
“For hundreds of years we’ve been oppressed by the Brits, but finally something’s come along that’s even worse. Covid-19 is about to feel the wrath of the righteous Gael,” said the group’s press release.
Continue reading “Wolfe Tones to release album of anti Covid-19 ballads”
The White House has announced a new system that requires state governors to use tokens to purchase ventilators and other essential medical equipment.
Governors will bid to purchase Trump Tokens, to be redeemed through the trumptokens.com portal. Each Trump Token has a list price of $50 and carries the likeness of President Trump.
Continue reading “Trump Token system to be used for ventilator orders in US”
US President Donald Trump has called on doctors to prescribe strong opioid medication to Covid-19 patients.
“This virus is a nasty guy. He’s literally killing us,” said Trump. “I’ve authorised the CDC to start giving some extremely strong drugs to fuel our great American people through this war.
These opioids are great drugs. Tremendously strong. Drugs like oxycodone, fentanyl and buprenorphine, that I’ve stayed up late practicing the pronunciation of.”
Continue reading “Trump calls on doctors to prescribe opioids to combat Covid-19”