Trump

June 1, 2020June 1, 2020

Lonely Planet names US as world’s top extreme racist sports destination

The United States has been named as the world’s number one destination for extreme racist sports by travel bible Lonely Planet.

“It was an easy decision,” said a Lonely Planet spokesperson. “Lots of countries offer their own brand of inherent racism, but none provide the sheer breadth of exciting racism opportunities as the US.”

Thrill seekers from around the world are now expected to flock to the US to experience some of the finest racist experiences known to man.

April 25, 2020April 25, 2020

Donald Trump to join the circus

US President Donald Trump has had enough of the war on Covid-19 and is running away to join the circus.

Effective immediately Trump will take up a new role as The Amazing Donny Bleach with Fox & Friends Circus.

“We had an opening after the last Mr. Bleach quit for medical reasons,” said a Fox & Friends spokesperson. “President Trump contacted us and was very eager. We’re delighted to have him on board.”

April 17, 2020April 25, 2020

Trump Token system to be used for ventilator orders in US

The White House has announced a new system that requires state governors to use tokens to purchase ventilators and other essential medical equipment.

Governors will bid to purchase Trump Tokens, to be redeemed through the trumptokens.com portal. Each Trump Token has a list price of $50 and carries the likeness of President Trump.

April 13, 2020September 8, 2020

Trump calls on doctors to prescribe opioids to combat Covid-19

US President Donald Trump has called on doctors to prescribe strong opioid medication to Covid-19 patients.

“This virus is a nasty guy. He’s literally killing us,” said Trump. “I’ve authorised the CDC to start giving some extremely strong drugs to fuel our great American people through this war.

These opioids are great drugs. Tremendously strong. Drugs like oxycodone, fentanyl and buprenorphine, that I’ve stayed up late practicing the pronunciation of.”

February 29, 2020

Trump declares Leap Year ‘Fake News’

President Donald Trump has declared that the US will no longer recognise Leap Years.

In a controversial move, the US will move one day ahead of the rest of the world, with today now being 1^st March for the land of the free.

“This Leap Year, I don’t trust it,” said Trump. “It’s a liberal invention. They’re talking about it on Fake News CNN.”

February 15, 2020February 15, 2020

Trump: Oranje Glow a tribute to football great Cruyff

US President Donald Trump has revealed that his perma-orange glow is a tribute to the Dutch football great Johan Cruyff.

“People ask me where I get my beautiful, year round tan” said Trump. “And I’ve gotta say it’s all thanks to Johan. He was a great player, the best.”

January 16, 2020January 26, 2020

Local Twitter User first to coin World War 3 hashtag

A local social media obsessive looks set for a place in history after claiming to be the first Twitter user to use the’#WorldWar3’ hashtag.

Timmy Twomey, who works in marketing, told DTTN that he used the hastag almost instantaneously “after Trump blew up that Iranian lad.”

Twomey is proud that the hashtag has now trended worldwide. “It feels like my contribution to society, something to tell the grandkids about. I was the first to call the complete destruction of the planet.”

December 19, 2019December 19, 2019

Embattled Trump Drawing Inspiration from James and the Giant Peach

Impeached US President Donald Trump is drawing inspiration from Roald Dahl’s classic children’s book James and the Giant Peach as he faces the biggest crisis of his tenure.

The President praised the film in a series of posts on Twitter which we have reproduced below.

“I haven’t read book. Reading is for little girly men! I watched film with Melania, and I have to say, it’s a great film. Truly outstanding!”