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Exclusive: Dealmaker Extraordinaire – Johnson’s winning history bodes well for Brexit deal

Down the Town News has seen a leaked Tory party memo in which government officials outline their confidence ahead of tomorrow’s Brexit vote.

    Etonian reptile Prime Minister Boris Johnson is the key reason for this confidence. Despite seemingly difficult odds for the minority government the document takes heart from Johnson’s incredible history of deal making.

    Below are some of the highlights:

  • Age 12 Johnson swaps a slightly turned rice pudding for two Twixes and a Mars Bar from the Eton tuck shop. #TakethatBarnier.
  • Age 16 Johnson persuades an irresponsible adult to buy him a packet of cigarettes and a half of gin from the off license. #RuleBrittania
  • Age 23 Johnson convinces a fully sober compos mentis female to have sexual intercourse. #Nomorebendybananas
  • Age 29 During a boozy weekend in Dublin Johnson successfully closes a meal deal for a hot chicken baguette, can of coke and packet of cheese and onion Tayto in Centra. #Backstop
  • Age 35 After a mere decade in journalism Johnson receives his first letter supporting his reactionary views. #Burkaletterbox
  • Age 48 Johnson manages to wrangle £5 a month off his broadband bill after ringing up his provider and threatening to cancel his account. #Bluepassport
  • Age 55 Despite years of buffoonish, racist and sexist bulllshit Johnson manages to convince Tory party members that he is vaguely competent and capable of being PM. #DontmentionIran

With such incredible deals already in his back pocket Tory officials are confident of yet more success for Johnson on Saturday even though all rational logic points to probable defeat.

   The man just cannot stop winning and Down the Town News salutes his reptilian tenacity.

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Freedom of town for local man after watching every piece of shite on Netflix

A Local content enthusiast has been awarded the freedom of the town after successfully watching every single program on Netflix.

  Large crowds turned out at town hall to watch Tom O’Hawk, who has watched every single minute of those awful Adam Sandler films and all the other shite everyone skips over, receive a ceremonial Golden Remote from the Mayor.

    “I didn’t think it was such a big deal,” said a bemused O’Hawk, who dressed for the occasion in his standard Netflix viewing outfit of black shorts and old white t-shirt. “The town must be really gone to shit if they’re celebrating something like this.”

     O’Hawk, who admitted to having watched only a moderate amount of Netflix until losing his job six months ago, said that there had been “fuck all else” to do between trips to the post office and futile attempts at job searching.

     “Tom is a role-model for the young people of the town,” said the Mayor. “Losing his job could have sent him into the usual spiral of drink, drugs and enforced prostitution, but instead he picked himself up, focused on a goal, and achieved the impossible.”

    Asked how he planned to follow up this momentous achievement, O’Hawk shrugged and mumbled something about downloading a VPN and trying out US Netflix. His ambition knows no bounds.

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Local rugby enthusiast to RTE: Less Coleman, more Eimear-nator

Local rugby enthusiast Brian Boar has written to RTE, registering his shock that the national broadcaster ran an advert for Spar starring Ireland soccer captain Seamus Coleman.

     “I mean, it’s the Rugby World Cup,” fumed Boar, “while I appreciate that Coleman is making the healthy choice buying the apple, it’s no place for him or any of the soccer lads.”

       Despite the advert airing on a day when no matches were taking place, Boar felt that the underlying message was RTE again treating rugby as a second-class game.

     “It’s no wonder they’ve lost the Six Nations, when that’s their attitude,” he said.

        The average rugby fan, Boar believed, would much rather see what filling Johnny Sexton chose for his roll or if the Eimear-nator was continuing to get the better of Tommy Bowe and the lads playing video games.

       “The Eimear-nator has become part of our national psyche,” stated Boar, “and we need her and her like to will us to glory. Seamus fucking Coleman, and I’ve nothing against him personally, is only diluting the message.”

     “She really is a legend,” he continued, “the lads, and these are three of the greats we’re talking about here, didn’t even realise she was in the same room as them. That’s some ninja level shit.”

      Boar, who has yet to hear back from RTE, stated that he will continue to write every day until Coleman is pulled from the airwaves.

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Green Councillor proposes Carbon Tax on life

Local Green Councillor Hector McHemp has created a sensation by claiming that the government’s new carbon tax did not go far enough, and that life itself should be taxed.

“Life on Earth is essentially carbon based,” he said, “so really we should be looking to tax anything and everything that exists.”

    “Sure, diesel and petrol are major polluters, but they’re not the only source of carbon – it’s in plants, animals, burnt toast and every single person in the country. We need to be looking at the bigger picture here.”

    The Councillor has put forward a radical plan that would see every living creature owe their local council an escalating amount of carbon tax for every year of their existence.

     “People think existence is a basic human right, like the internet or clean drinking water. But it’s not.”

   McHemp stated that collection could be enforced in the form of a carbon license and monitored by carbon inspectors “a bit like the TV license, but without any shite like Ryan Tubridy.”

    Under the proposal both domestic and wild animals would be required to register and declare their carbon use.

    “The animal kingdom has had a free ride for long enough. They need to do their bit to save the planet.”

  To incentivise sign-ups McHemp’s scheme proposes a carbon rebate for every participant upon their death to recognise their “ultimate carbon off-set.”

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Local Councillor jumps on rugby bandwagon, displays racist side

Local Councillor Willie Ryder has become embroiled in a racism controversy after throwing his weight behind Ireland’s Rugby World Cup campaign.

    Ryder, who is heavily involved in the local GAA club, is not known for his oval ball expertise, but was spotted donning an Irish rugby jersey as he left a council meeting.

    “Let’s get behind Joe Shit and the boys.” he told Down the Town News, “If Johnny Sexman can get a few more touchdowns we could be going all the way.”

     Ryder, who has previously expressed his love for Liverpool FC, Irish boxing, Conor McGregor and the New England Patriots, is also believed to have ordered a rugby ball from O’Neill’s Sports Shop.

      The Councillor stated that if the team won the World Cup he would “personally table a motion for them to be granted the freedom of the town.”

      “It looks like it’s set for us to meet those black bastards in the quarter finals,” he said “and we all know how fast they can run, but I’ve full faith in Joe and the lads.”

When asked to clarify if he was referring to the New Zealand All Blacks, Ryder looked confused before responding “Blacks in general are just smug bastards. We need to keep Ireland for the Irish. I hope we smash them.”

         Ryder is in his third and, now likely, final term as councillor.

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Local GAA Star barred from nightclub after ‘fair shoulder’ on woman

Local GAA Star Micky McMichael was in disgrace last night after being barred from Chancers nightclub following a physical altercation with a young woman.

    McMichael (22) was partying with friends in the local hotspot, displaying the legendary discipline that saw the local team lose in the first round of the championship again this year.

    “It was my round.” said McMichael “The place was jammers and there was only one lad serving. The queue was two or three deep, and I was bursting for a slash.”

    Displaying a level of fortitude previously unseen by most observers, McMichael stuck it out for ten minutes, before spotting an opening to the left of the bar area.

      “The spot was mine, but as I went to nip in, your wan appeared from nowhere and made a dash for it.”

     Showing more aggression than he has all season, McMichael braced himself, and stepped into his opponent with what he termed “a fair shoulder.”

      The contact sent the young woman sprawling, face-first into Chancer’s famously sticky carpet. McMichael showed no contrition, as he stepped forward waving a fifty euro note to secure his drinks order.

       The young woman suffered severe facial bruising, but is expected to make a full recovery.

     Despite being barred from Chancers for life McMichael remained unrepentant.

“It’s not my fault she hadn’t planted her leading foot,” he insisted. “I’m just pissed off I didn’t get to drink the pint I’d paid for.”

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Local Man Devastated by Missing Naan

     Local man Johnny Rotten was left devastated on Thursday as the takeaway he ordered from his local Indian arrived without the expected peshwari naan.

   Rotten, who wasn’t arsed going down the shop to get dinner after a hard day a work, stated that he hadn’t been this upset since the local pizza place accidentally put pineapple on his deep pan.

    “Those pizza people are animals.” said Rotten, “I’ve been ordering the Indian ever since. It’s a grand break from the ol’ cooking.”

    When Rotten contacted the takeaway to alert them to the oversight, he was informed it would take another 20 minutes to deliver the forgotten item.

     “Sure, the naan’s the best part, for mopping up all the sauce” stated a distressed Rotten, “you may as well chuck the whole lot in the bin if it’s missing.”

    Faced with a choice of a naan-less meal or his curry going cold waiting for its arrival, Rotten made the brave and difficult decision to prise himself from his couch and walk two minutes down the road to purchase a naan from the supermarket.

     “It just wasn’t the same with the supermarket stuff,” lamented Rotten, “sure you do it in the toaster. Nothing good every came out of a toaster.”      The Indian has offered Rotten a free naan and 10% off his next order, but he is believed to be considering his future takeaway options.

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