Satirical Irish News
British Prime Minister Boris Johnson is somehow still clinging to power despite doing more dodgy shit than every character from The Sopranos combined
Johnson is facing overwhelming public condemnation for multiple lockdown breaching Downing Street parties. And in a stunning statement the PM has turned the tables by launching a scathing attack on his critics.
Continue reading “Johnson to release cover of Fight for your Right”
British Prime Minister is to host a new version of popular 90’s show Noel’s House Party, the BBC has announced.
The news comes following revelations that Johnson attended a number of lockdown flouting Downing Street shindigs last December, including a table quiz he hosted.
Continue reading “Boris Johnson to host re-launched Noel’s House Party”
Beloved TV character Peppa Pig is to be sold to the UK government so her parents can afford social care.
The move comes on the back of controversial changes announced by the Department of Health and Social Care, putting a cap of £86k on lifetime care costs, meaning that the UK’s poorest pensioners could pay the same as the wealthiest.
Continue reading “Peppa Pig sold to UK government so Daddy and Mummy Pig can afford social care”
British Prime Minister Boris Johnson has proposed the deployment of Terminators to patrol the land border with Northern Ireland.
The Etonian Lizard, who recently discovered an old VHS copy of James Cameron’s sci-fi classic, believes the Terminators will resolve the point of contention around the border in The Irish Sea.
Continue reading “Johnson proposes Terminators as Irish border solution”
In a move inspired by Boris Johnson’s Brexit pledge, the British Association of Turkeys (BATS) is pushing forward with plans for an ‘oven ready’ Christmas.
A BATS spokesturkey declared that their membership had overwhelmingly voted 52%-48% in favour of being cooked for Christmas dinner.
Continue reading “Turkey Baster Brexit Why?”
UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s Brexit strategy may seem lacking in clarity, but inside sources reveal that the Etonian shape shifter has a very definite plan.
“The PM is big on mood boards,” said a Downing Street insider. “His approach to the EU will depend on the day’s colour. Green means charming bumbler, while purple is no more bendy bananas you sausage munching Krauts!”
Continue reading “Johnson’s Brexit Strategy Secrets Revealed: Mood Boards and Jim Carrey films”
Former British Prime Minister Theresa May is set for a career in construction after agreeing to act as a support beam for a new bridge in her Maidenhead constituency.
The bridge project, which was in danger of collapsing after EU funding ran out, required expensive structural reinforcing.
Continue reading “Theresa May to act as support beam for new bridge”
UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson has demanded that NHS frontline workers start giving back to the country by clapping for the government every Thursday.
“We spent weeks clapping for the NHS,” said Johnson, “people were out banging pots, whistling and all sorts. Frankly, it gave me a headache.”
Continue reading “Johnson demands NHS claps for government”
Fresh from his recent public address, professional fantasist Dominic Cummings’ stock has never been lower.
DTTN does not share the UK public’s poor opinion of Durham’s answer to CS Lewis. Instead, we admire his tenacious non-conformism, his ability to bend reality to fit his narrative. If it does come to the worst and he’s pushed out, we are comforted to know that a career as a top-class novelist awaits.
Continue reading “Dominic Cummings: A brave non-conformist”
British Prime Minster Boris Johnson, who today tested positive for Covid-19, has gone onto self-isolation until the pandemic passes.
Johnson has taken up residence in the fridge he famously hid in to avoid an interview with Piers Morgan.
“The PM isn’t used to taking anything seriously,” said a government source, “so having to be all grave and noble for the past few weeks has really taken a toll on him. It’s probably why he contracted the virus. He needs his safe space.”
Continue reading “Johnson to self-isolate in fridge until pandemic passes”