Satirical Irish News
By: Derek [Full Name with Editor]
5G is the greatest threat to mankind since 4G. The public needs to know this, but there are powerful forces at work. Shady figures who want me silenced. Because I know the truth.
They know that I know. I know this. They know this. I know that they know. That is a fact. And cannot be disputed. They know that. That’s why I can’t reveal my true identity. They’re everywhere.
Continue reading “OPINION: 5G killed my hamster”
Corona Beer is to get a new name, in an effort to arrest the brands slump in sales during the Covid-19 pandemic.
“Consumers need to be aware that Corona Beer has nothing to do with the Coronavirus and that drinking it will not make you sick,” said a spokesperson, who has obviously never spent a night on the Corona.
Continue reading “Corona Beer to rebrand as C-19”
The National Rifle Association has responded to the growing threat of Covid-19 in the US by encouraging members to shoot on sight at the infected.
“This disease is highly contagious” said an NRA spokesperson, “and could even spread to God-fearing gun owners.”
Continue reading “NRA encourages ‘shoot on sight’ Coronavirus Policy”
A local vigilante group has revealed its plans to track down and ‘eliminate’ the Coronavirus.
A Facebook group titled “Fathers Against Covid-19” has made the bold claim that they will rid the local area of the virus, just like they chased away those drug dealers a couple of years back.
The group’s banner photo shows a number of men in hoodies and balaclavas brandishing hurleys and baseball bats, that they plan to wield on the virus.
Continue reading “Local Vigilante Group to hunt down Coronavirus”
With public panic over the Coronavirus mounting, supermarkets are struggling to meet demand for essential provisions such as bread and toilet roll.
“We saw what happened when we had shortages during The Beast from the East and Storm Emma in 2018” said a representative from the Irish Bread Bakers Association (IBBA). “People were literally clawing each other’s eyes out for a loaf.”
Continue reading “Pat the Baker and Old Mr. Brennan go into hiding”By: Eddie Gizzard, Editor The Daily Scum.
The Coronavirus has put the buzz back into print media. It’s a great time for our industry, with so much panic to sow and stories to exaggerate. It’ll never be our SARS or Ebola heyday, but it’s a damn sight more exciting than bird flu.
Continue reading “OPINION: Coronavirus a boon for print media”
The Coronavirus is slowly winding its way to a street near you. Symptoms can be fatal and, in some cases, worse than man-flu. DTTN news has asked local wellness blogger Gwen Looney to share her top tips for purging the virus. Bookmark this advice. It might just save your life.
Continue reading “Six steps to purging the Coronavirus”
A local man’s decision to phone in sick after a heavy night drinking backfired in spectacular fashion.
Colin Coldsore (27), caused panic in the local area after informing his employer that he would not be in due to contracting the coronavirus.
“A buddy of mine was over from London,” said Coldsore, “And a quick mid-week pint turned into a proper session. I was bouncing around Shifters nightclub all night.”
Continue reading “Local Man regrets pulling Coronavirus sickie”