A new study commissioned by The Daily Mail has found that Meghan Markle is the root cause of King Charles III’s cancer diagnosis, along with everything that has gone wrong for anyone living in The United Kingdom since 2018.
“This is a shocking finding,” said a Daily Mail source. “We always knew Meghan was an evil American harpy, but even we are shocked by the depth of her depravity. She should be fired head first from a canon immediately.”
The British government has been rocked by further controversy, with supporters furious that asylum seekers will be enjoying free trips to Rwanda funded by tax-payers money.
The Rwanda Bill, which proposes sending all asylum seekers presenting to the UK to Rwanda, has proven hugely controversial due to human rights concerns.
However, Tory supporters have blasted the bill that will give asylum seekers all expenses paid jollies at top Rwandan resorts.
Britain’s favourite hate rag The Daily Mail has found itself in a dilemma over their coverage of
the new royal baby.
Lilibet Diana, the second child of Prince Harry and Meghan
Markle, was born on Friday.
“Usually we fawn over any Royal news with the soft splash
treatment. Our Brexit loving readership laps that shit up. If they close their
eyes they can pretend it is 1950 again. But then we have the Meghan question,” said
a Daily Mail editor.
There was controversy at Aintree today as the two minute silence to mark the passing of The Duke of Edinburgh was flagrantly ignored by several horses.
The Grand National, the jewel in the horse racing calendar,
was broadcast live on the ITV. Viewers were shocked as the remembrance was
punctured by incessant low-level neighing and whinnying by impatient horses.
A Daily Mail reader has drowned in his own cum after celebrations of
Boris Johnson’s election victory took a tragic turn.
Alfie Bate began furiously celebrating at
10pm last night following the stunning exit poll announcement, but things soon
got out of hand, with his wife Maisy walking in a distressing scene.
“I was in the kitchen trolling ethnic
Labour candidates on Twitter,” she said “and I heard the commotion from the
sitting room. Alfie was sitting in front of the results with the strangest look
on his face, and his stuff spurting all over the room.”
“He was possessed. And ruining the carpet.
I told him to stop, but he just kept chanting ‘Get it Done, Get it Done.’”
After fleeing to the next-door neighbours,
Maisy alerted the authorities, who had to drain the house before declaring her
husband dead.
“My only consolation was that he died
happy,” said Maisy. “My Alfie hated Labour. And Jeremy Corbyn. And Remoaners.
And Gypsies. And immigrants. And the left. And almond milk. And Communists. And
the Irish. And the darkies. And vegans. And the EU. And Muslims. He’d be proud
to know that we have a proper Brexit and five more years of blissful Tory rule
ahead of us.”
Maisy confirmed that Alfie would be buried
in a coffin made of reinforced back copies of The Daily Mail, and that he would
be dressed in his best Union Jack suit.
The
Daily Mail, who have offered to cover Bate’s funeral costs, has blamed the
tragedy on Jeremy Corbyn.
