Gareth Southgate

July 17, 2024July 17, 2024

Southgate to become next James Bond

Former England footballer manager Gareth Southgate is in line to become the next James Bond, producers have announced.

Southgate, who bravely led the Three Lions to a further eight years hurt, is considered the perfect candidate to drag the often archaic franchise into the 21^st century.

“Gareth created a friendlier, more inclusive England. And we want to use his skill set to create a friendlier, more inclusive Bond,” said a source.

June 30, 2024June 30, 2024

Coldplay, England football team causing spike in sudden onset narcolepsy warns NHS

UK doctors have warned about a dangerous surge in sudden onset narcolepsy this weekend due to Coldplay’s performance at Glastonbury and the continued tediousness of England’s football team at the Euros.

“Narcolepsy causes patients to feel drowsy and need to sleep during the daytime,” said an NHS doctor. “The causes are not always clear, but this weekend we have seen a spike due to Coldplay and the football.”

June 13, 2021June 13, 2021

Football fans urge early pub reopening to allow us laugh at England

Football fans around the country are calling for indoor pub service to be brought forward to allow us laugh at England’s inevitable disastrous exit from Euro 2020.

“Laughing at English failures in the football is a great national tradition,” said a fan spokesperson. “Especially when we haven’t qualified yet again.”