Trump: Hammy the Brain Hamster tells me what to do

US President Donald Trump just can’t stop making headlines, but his latest revelations have shocked even the most jaded observers.

Trump told reporters at The White House that his brain has been replaced by a hamster called ‘Hammy’, who dictates all his actions.

“Many people are in awe of what I’m doing,” said the Melon Felon. “The numbers, the tariffs, are so tremendously good. ‘President Trump, Sir,’ they say, ‘how do you continue to make such amazing decisions?’

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OPINION: 5G killed my hamster

By: Derek [Full Name with Editor]

5G is the greatest threat to mankind since 4G. The public needs to know this, but there are powerful forces at work. Shady figures who want me silenced. Because I know the truth.

They know that I know. I know this. They know this. I know that they know. That is a fact. And cannot be disputed. They know that. That’s why I can’t reveal my true identity. They’re everywhere.

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