Northern Ireland

April 28, 2024April 28, 2024

Harris and Sunak to decide asylum seeker’s fate over game of Rock Paper Scissors

According to recent reports 80% of people seeking asylum in Ireland are arriving here via Northern Ireland.

That’s something British Prime Minister Rishi Sunak is particularly pleased about, as his threat of shipping asylum seekers off to Rwanda appears to be an effective deterrent.

However, Taoiseach Simon Harris is sick of Sunak’s shit and has challenged him to a game of Rock Paper Scissors to decide the fate of the asylum applicants.

January 30, 2024January 30, 2024

Stormont breakthrough as DUP discovers new word in dictionary

Talks on a return to power-sharing in Northern Ireland made a breakthrough last night as DUP leader Jeffrey Donaldson discovered a new word in his dictionary.

The Stormont Assembly looks set to finally resume after two years of collapse thanks to this magical word.

October 13, 2021October 13, 2021

Calls for Farage to be appointed Northern Ireland Secretary intensify

Calls for UK political rent-a-gob Nigel Farage to be appointed as Northern Ireland Secretary are growing amongst Tory party members.

Insiders say that Farage, the former UKIP and Brexit Party leader, has demonstrated a “deeply nuanced understanding” of the North in recent days after being tricked into saying “Up the Ra!” in a Cameo video.

February 10, 2021February 10, 2021

Johnson proposes Terminators as Irish border solution

British Prime Minister Boris Johnson has proposed the deployment of Terminators to patrol the land border with Northern Ireland.

The Etonian Lizard, who recently discovered an old VHS copy of James Cameron’s sci-fi classic, believes the Terminators will resolve the point of contention around the border in The Irish Sea.