Satirical Irish News
NPHET has warned against the danger of The Delta Blues, and has called for all associated musical acts to be banned.
The popular blues style was pioneered in the early 20th century by artists such as Robert Johnson and Muddy Waters.
Continue reading “NPHET calls for Delta blues ban”
Football fans around the country are calling for indoor pub service to be brought forward to allow us laugh at England’s inevitable disastrous exit from Euro 2020.
“Laughing at English failures in the football is a great national tradition,” said a fan spokesperson. “Especially when we haven’t qualified yet again.”
Continue reading “Football fans urge early pub reopening to allow us laugh at England”
NPHET has called for Easter eggs to be pulled from supermarket shelves with immediate effect.
“During lockdown many subjects have been comfort eating to excess,” said Dr. Ronan Glynn. “The wide availability of high-sugar, high-fat Easter eggs adds to the temptations for the weak, greedy people of Ireland.
Continue reading “NPHET calls for Easter Egg ban”
A cross-section of the lockdown protesters who stormed Dublin at the weekend have been invited to join NPHET.
Many of the protestors, who believe that lockdowns during a pandemic and vaccines are a violation of their human rights, have been offered the positions in lieu of jail time.
Continue reading “Lockdown protesters invited to join NPHET”
Idiots around the country are blaming the government after coming to the shocking realisation that vaccinations aren’t a miracle silver bullet.
“With the vaccines getting rolled out I thought I could just pop round to my buddy’s house for a few drinks. I never thought I’d test positive,” said one idiot. “I wouldn’t get the vaccine personally; they cause autism and rabies, but I still should have been protected.”
Continue reading “Idiots outraged as vaccine doesn’t offer complete freedom”
Santa will observe strict social distancing protocols as he delivers presents this year, NPHET has announced.
The jolly old rogue, who usually barrels down chimneys without a thought for his personal safety, will now be required to:
Continue reading “NPHET announces strict social distancing protocols for Santa.”
RTE have announced the launch of RTE Holohan, a new TV channel that will broadcast exclusive content from Ireland’s Chief Medical Officer.
“Dr. Tony Holohan has become our nation’s biggest star and it’s only right we give him a further platform to share his views over and over and over again,” said an RTE spokesperson.
Continue reading “RTE to launch dedicated Dr. Tony Holohan channel”
The National Public Health Emergency Team has recommended a permanent lockdown to be implemented from midnight tomorrow.
Dr. Tony Holohan has announced that the difficult decision had been made after fraught discussions with government.
Continue reading “NPHET recommends permanent lockdown”
Wet pubs re-opened today, with punters finally enjoying a few pints without the accompaniment of a substantial meal.
However, publicans have expressed dismay at a NPHET edict that all drinks must be consumed through disposable plastic straws.
Continue reading “All drinks in wet pubs must be consumed through straws”
As schools around the country resume classes, the NPHET has issued new guidelines around the removal of the letter R from textbooks.
“Our children’s safety is paramount during this pandemic,” stated Acting Chief Medical Officer Dr. Ronan Glynn. “They are growing up in a time when the letter R is associated with the Covid-19 Reproduction Rate.”
Continue reading “Letter R to be removed from all school textbooks”