Satirical Irish News
Leo Varadkar is busy enjoying his all-expenses paid junket to Washington to serve shamrock and smiles to the US.
However, The Taoiseach also has domestic matters on his mind, namely Ireland’s rugby clash with Scotland in Dublin on Saturday that could see Andy Farrell’s men claim the Six Nations Championship.
Continue reading “Varadkar calls for Ireland rugby team to be awarded Six Nations Championship”
American tourist Daisy Dandelion has been left red-faced after encountering her first ever rugby match at her hotel bar.
“I thought it was a gay sex thing,” confessed the embarrassed New Yorker. “All I saw was a load of sweaty men smashing their bodies into each other and shoving their heads up their asses. Then they cut to some men in suits who showed the whole thing again in slow-motion”
Continue reading “American Tourist thought rugby was “a gay sex thing””
Local rugby enthusiast Brian Boar has written to RTE, registering his shock that the national broadcaster ran an advert for Spar starring Ireland soccer captain Seamus Coleman.
“I mean, it’s the Rugby World Cup,” fumed Boar, “while I appreciate that Coleman is making the healthy choice buying the apple, it’s no place for him or any of the soccer lads.”
Despite the advert airing on a day when no matches were taking place, Boar felt that the underlying message was RTE again treating rugby as a second-class game.
“It’s no wonder they’ve lost the Six Nations, when that’s their attitude,” he said.
The average rugby fan, Boar believed, would much rather see what filling Johnny Sexton chose for his roll or if the Eimear-nator was continuing to get the better of Tommy Bowe and the lads playing video games.
“The Eimear-nator has become part of our national psyche,” stated Boar, “and we need her and her like to will us to glory. Seamus fucking Coleman, and I’ve nothing against him personally, is only diluting the message.”
“She really is a legend,” he continued, “the lads, and these are three of the greats we’re talking about here, didn’t even realise she was in the same room as them. That’s some ninja level shit.”
Boar, who has yet to hear back from RTE, stated that he will continue to write every day until Coleman is pulled from the airwaves.
Local Councillor Willie Ryder has become embroiled in a racism controversy after throwing his weight behind Ireland’s Rugby World Cup campaign.
Ryder, who is heavily involved in the local GAA club, is not known for his oval ball expertise, but was spotted donning an Irish rugby jersey as he left a council meeting.
“Let’s get behind Joe Shit and the boys.” he told Down the Town News, “If Johnny Sexman can get a few more touchdowns we could be going all the way.”
Ryder, who has previously expressed his love for Liverpool FC, Irish boxing, Conor McGregor and the New England Patriots, is also believed to have ordered a rugby ball from O’Neill’s Sports Shop.
The Councillor stated that if the team won the World Cup he would “personally table a motion for them to be granted the freedom of the town.”
“It looks like it’s set for us to meet those black bastards in the quarter finals,” he said “and we all know how fast they can run, but I’ve full faith in Joe and the lads.”
When asked to clarify if he was referring to the New Zealand All Blacks, Ryder looked confused before responding “Blacks in general are just smug bastards. We need to keep Ireland for the Irish. I hope we smash them.”
Ryder is in his third and, now likely, final term as councillor.