Simon Harris

February 18, 2025February 18, 2025

Government bravely stands up to children’s hospital contractor after only nine years and €2 billion costs

Tanaiste Simon Harris today showed real gumption and leadership by claiming that the State will “robustly push back” against any additional cost demands by the developer of the mythical National Children’s Hospital.

The hospital, which been under construction by contractors BAM! since 2016, at a cost of over €2 billion is now due to fully open in 2026, meaning a child conceived when the first spade went into the ground would now be close to completing primary school.

April 28, 2024April 28, 2024

Harris and Sunak to decide asylum seeker’s fate over game of Rock Paper Scissors

According to recent reports 80% of people seeking asylum in Ireland are arriving here via Northern Ireland.

That’s something British Prime Minister Rishi Sunak is particularly pleased about, as his threat of shipping asylum seekers off to Rwanda appears to be an effective deterrent.

However, Taoiseach Simon Harris is sick of Sunak’s shit and has challenged him to a game of Rock Paper Scissors to decide the fate of the asylum applicants.

April 10, 2024April 21, 2024

Simon Harris – The nation reacts as android becomes Taoiseach

Simon Harris, the Paranoid Android, has made history by becoming the first non-carbon based entity to become Taoiseach.

To celebrate this momentous occasion DTTN has canvassed opinions from the great, the good and the Healy-Raes of Irish public life.

Leo was the first gay son of immigrants. Now Simon is the first android. Maybe in another ten years Ireland might actually be ready for a woman Taoiseach. Fingers crossed.

Heather Humphreys; Deputy Leader Fine Gael

March 22, 2024July 8, 2024

Simon Harris to become Taoiseach by default

Simon Harris is today celebrating as he looks set to become the next Taoiseach by default.

The Minister for Further and Higher Education, who also played Marvin the Paranoid Android in The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, is the only Fine Gael TD in the running.

“My fellow party members have shown me great faith,” said Harris. “As the great philosopher Homer noted ‘de’ and ‘fault’ are the two greatest words in the English language. I hope to build on his work and that of our past great minds.