Tag: Tories

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Deposed Tory Big Beasts release Africa cover version

Several high profile Tory ‘Big Beasts’ who lost their seats in last week’s general election have banded together to release a unique cover version of Africa by Toto.

Penny Mordaunt, Jacob Rees-Mogg, Liz Truss and more have been busy in the studio, recording a lament to the Tories Rwanda plan, which was callously scrapped by new Prime Minister Keir Starmer.

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Exclusive: Dealmaker Extraordinaire – Johnson’s winning history bodes well for Brexit deal

Down the Town News has seen a leaked Tory party memo in which government officials outline their confidence ahead of tomorrow’s Brexit vote.

    Etonian reptile Prime Minister Boris Johnson is the key reason for this confidence. Despite seemingly difficult odds for the minority government the document takes heart from Johnson’s incredible history of deal making.

    Below are some of the highlights:

  • Age 12 Johnson swaps a slightly turned rice pudding for two Twixes and a Mars Bar from the Eton tuck shop. #TakethatBarnier.
  • Age 16 Johnson persuades an irresponsible adult to buy him a packet of cigarettes and a half of gin from the off license. #RuleBrittania
  • Age 23 Johnson convinces a fully sober compos mentis female to have sexual intercourse. #Nomorebendybananas
  • Age 29 During a boozy weekend in Dublin Johnson successfully closes a meal deal for a hot chicken baguette, can of coke and packet of cheese and onion Tayto in Centra. #Backstop
  • Age 35 After a mere decade in journalism Johnson receives his first letter supporting his reactionary views. #Burkaletterbox
  • Age 48 Johnson manages to wrangle £5 a month off his broadband bill after ringing up his provider and threatening to cancel his account. #Bluepassport
  • Age 55 Despite years of buffoonish, racist and sexist bulllshit Johnson manages to convince Tory party members that he is vaguely competent and capable of being PM. #DontmentionIran

With such incredible deals already in his back pocket Tory officials are confident of yet more success for Johnson on Saturday even though all rational logic points to probable defeat.

   The man just cannot stop winning and Down the Town News salutes his reptilian tenacity.