USA – DownTheTownNews

April 11, 2025April 11, 2025

Trump: Hammy the Brain Hamster tells me what to do

US President Donald Trump just can’t stop making headlines, but his latest revelations have shocked even the most jaded observers.

Trump told reporters at The White House that his brain has been replaced by a hamster called ‘Hammy’, who dictates all his actions.

“Many people are in awe of what I’m doing,” said the Melon Felon. “The numbers, the tariffs, are so tremendously good. ‘President Trump, Sir,’ they say, ‘how do you continue to make such amazing decisions?’

February 17, 2024February 17, 2024

“So much winning” – Trump breaks records for civil fines

Former US President Donald Trump is today celebrating after breaking more records in civil court actions.

Trump has been ordered to pay $355 million for fraud and banned from running businesses in New York for three years. This follows last month’s ruling that the fraudster owed writer E. Jean Carroll $83m for sexual assault.

“Every time I go to court I’m breaking records, so many records” said the sex offender. “These judges can charge what they want, but it means nothing. I am a wealthy man. So much money, it’s beautiful folks.”

June 18, 2020June 18, 2020

US Police launch unique African-American employment drive

Police forces across the US have united to offer a unique new employment opportunity to African-Americans.

Project Human Target calls for hundreds of African-Americans to be enrolled to act as targets and decoys during scenario based gun range training.

June 1, 2020June 1, 2020

Lonely Planet names US as world’s top extreme racist sports destination

The United States has been named as the world’s number one destination for extreme racist sports by travel bible Lonely Planet.

“It was an easy decision,” said a Lonely Planet spokesperson. “Lots of countries offer their own brand of inherent racism, but none provide the sheer breadth of exciting racism opportunities as the US.”

Thrill seekers from around the world are now expected to flock to the US to experience some of the finest racist experiences known to man.

April 17, 2020April 25, 2020

Trump Token system to be used for ventilator orders in US

The White House has announced a new system that requires state governors to use tokens to purchase ventilators and other essential medical equipment.

Governors will bid to purchase Trump Tokens, to be redeemed through the trumptokens.com portal. Each Trump Token has a list price of $50 and carries the likeness of President Trump.