Cristiano Ronaldo shocked the football world today by agreeing a return to Manchester United, twelve years after leaving Old Trafford for Real Madrid.
Ronaldo had been widely expected to sign for Manchester City, but the lure of lining up alongside the likes of Phil Jones and Scott McTominay proved too much for the Portuguese star.
Of course, with a superstar signing comes superstar demands. DTTN has received a copy of Ronaldo’s demands from a source close to his agent Jorge Mendes:
- His own glass panelled dressing room
- Other players to not make eye contact unless requested
- Bruno Fernandes to act as his bag boy
- Ole Gunnar Solskjaer to remain on as official club mascot
- Sir Alex Ferguson to provide daily personalised wake-up call
- Old Trafford to be renamed The Ronaldo Arena
- Statues of United greats outside Old Trafford to be replaced by replicas of the infamous Ronaldo bust at Madeira Airport
- Aaron Wan-Bissaka to learn to cross.
- Portuguese national anthem to be played before every home game.
- Royalties to be paid to Ronaldo anytime the number seven is mentioned in the Greater Manchester area
- Ronaldo to take all penalties, free kicks, throw-ins and goal kicks for United and opposition teams.
- Ronaldo’s face to be superimposed on a new range of home and away kits
DTTN wishes the humble lad from Madeira well.