Calls for UK political rent-a-gob Nigel Farage to be appointed as Northern Ireland Secretary are growing amongst Tory party members.
Insiders say that Farage, the former UKIP and Brexit Party leader, has demonstrated a “deeply nuanced understanding” of the North in recent days after being tricked into saying “Up the Ra!” in a Cameo video.
“The last few Northern Ireland Secretaries didn’t even know that an Ulster Fry contained fried soda bread and potato farls. Nigel is a man of the people. He starts every morning with a pint and full Ulster Fry.”
Farage, who never quite seems to know what he stands for, if anything, has long been renowned for vociferously opposing what he stands against; a trait much admired in Northern Ireland.
“Nigel likes to say no, much in the way that Ulster does,” said a Tory spokeslizard. “In the past Nigel’s neigh saying has been confined to Brexit and Remoaners. Relocating to Northern Ireland would open up so many new possibilities for him.”
Senior Tory figures are said to welcome the move, hoping that by combining Farage and Northern Ireland two major irritants will be neutralised.
When asked if Farage would be a welcome appointment, a senior Northern Ireland politician simply replied “No.”