Finally! After months of protests from my dozen fans I have been restored as DTTN’s film reviewer. And for the record those allegations were never proven.
And the Editor, kind soul that he is, sends me to review a film about professional fucking wrestling. Maybe jail isn’t so bad after all.
The Iron Claw is about a family of young lads, and their tyrannical father who like stripping down to their jocks and grappling with each other, and any other large hirsute males who feel like partaking. It’s like Friday night in a boarding school, only in Texas.
You’d expect a wrestling film to have plenty of action, but it’s all makey-uppy shit and nothing like the havoc wreaked by Arnie in his seminal performance as Colonel John Matrix in Commando.
If Matrix had seen a load of lads standing around in a ring in their undies, he wouldn’t have wasted time with arm drags or headlocks – he’d have whipped out his AK-47 and blown them to smithereens.
It’d be a much shorter film, but infinitely less boring. The director has clearly never watched Commando. The fucking philistine.
The Iron Claw can’t even sustain the shitty action it delivers, getting bogged down in family melodrama – oh no, one lost a leg and there’s a suicide, or was it two? Who fucking cares. If you’re going to die at least do it in an interesting way, preferably involving explosives.