Simon Harris is today celebrating as he looks set to become the next Taoiseach by default.
The Minister for Further and Higher Education, who also played Marvin the Paranoid Android in The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, is the only Fine Gael TD in the running.
“My fellow party members have shown me great faith,” said Harris. “As the great philosopher Homer noted ‘de’ and ‘fault’ are the two greatest words in the English language. I hope to build on his work and that of our past great minds.
Tanaiste and Fianna Fail leader Micheál Martin was too busy to comment on Harris, noting:
“I’ve been listening to that Yakult song. My Yakult, my Yakult; friendly bacteria. It’s fierce catchy, so it is. What was the question again?”
Green Party leader Eamon Ryan expressed his delight that Harris would become Ireland’s first non-carbon based leader.
“He’s our own grey paranoid android,” said Ryan. “Just charge him overnight and watch him go. Zero emissions and zero clue. Tremendous.”
As expected, Sinn Fein led the opposition in protesting Harris’ imminent appointment.
“We are appalled by this development,” said Mary Lou McDonald. “For so many reasons, most of which we haven’t thought of yet. Stay tuned as we drip feed our daily whinge.”