The global economy has been left reeling this week after Donald Trump completed his school project of creating random tariff rates for every country he knows the name of, and some he doesn’t.
The US President proudly displayed his tariff board at a White House press conference, with Trump staffers confirming that the Melon Felon cut out all the numbers by himself and didn’t even ask a grown-up help him use the scissors.
“These numbers are so beautiful,” said Trump. “They’re going to last forever. We’ve got all sorts of numbers; 12, 34, 50. Experts are telling me that I’ve even found new numbers that have never been used before. That’s how good we’re doing, folks.”
Sources told DTTN that the Tangerine Mussolini came up with the figures by randomly bashing buttons on an old Casio calculator he found in a drawer in the Oval Office.
“These calculators are incredible,” said Trump. “They come up with such tremendous numbers, numbers you wouldn’t believe. And then you can reset them to zero and all the numbers get deported.”
DTTN understands that Trump staff confiscated the Casio calculator before the Toddler-in-Chief got cranky from over-stimulation and discovered the numbers 7145 and 80085.
The road towards the next great depression starts here.