US President Donald Trump just can’t stop making headlines, but his latest revelations have shocked even the most jaded observers.
Trump told reporters at The White House that his brain has been replaced by a hamster called ‘Hammy’, who dictates all his actions.
“Many people are in awe of what I’m doing,” said the Melon Felon. “The numbers, the tariffs, are so tremendously good. ‘President Trump, Sir,’ they say, ‘how do you continue to make such amazing decisions?’
And it’s simple. To be a great genius like me, have your brain removed. I had mine taken out years ago. So freeing, tremendous. Doctors showed me, he was a nasty grey squidgy thing, probably a rapist.
What I have is so much better, it’s incredible. I have my own brain hamster, Hammy, I call him, a tremendous American hamster who lives in my incredibly large, beautiful head.
I outsource everything to Hammy. It’s so nice folks, you should try it. I get a round of golf in while Hammy stays in his room composing policy documents and Truth Social posts.
The 145% tariff was Hammy’s idea. He drives a hard bargain, let me tell you!
One thing is his special diet. My people get him a salad on the McDonald’s run. I’ve never eaten anything green, which is why I’ll never invade Ireland. Those leprechauns are funny guys. So small! With the hats! Not like those Chinese leprechauns. Hammy tells me they’ll eat your dog, so watch out, folks!
Hammy’s been asking more about seeing the nuclear button. I think I might let him press it as an Easter treat. It’ll be beautiful, a tremendous explosion! Hold on to your MAGA hats, folks!