A Daily Mail reader has drowned in his own cum after celebrations of Boris Johnson’s election victory took a tragic turn.
Alfie Bate began furiously celebrating at 10pm last night following the stunning exit poll announcement, but things soon got out of hand, with his wife Maisy walking in a distressing scene.
“I was in the kitchen trolling ethnic Labour candidates on Twitter,” she said “and I heard the commotion from the sitting room. Alfie was sitting in front of the results with the strangest look on his face, and his stuff spurting all over the room.”
“He was possessed. And ruining the carpet. I told him to stop, but he just kept chanting ‘Get it Done, Get it Done.’”
After fleeing to the next-door neighbours, Maisy alerted the authorities, who had to drain the house before declaring her husband dead.
“My only consolation was that he died happy,” said Maisy. “My Alfie hated Labour. And Jeremy Corbyn. And Remoaners. And Gypsies. And immigrants. And the left. And almond milk. And Communists. And the Irish. And the darkies. And vegans. And the EU. And Muslims. He’d be proud to know that we have a proper Brexit and five more years of blissful Tory rule ahead of us.”
Maisy confirmed that Alfie would be buried in a coffin made of reinforced back copies of The Daily Mail, and that he would be dressed in his best Union Jack suit.
The Daily Mail, who have offered to cover Bate’s funeral costs, has blamed the tragedy on Jeremy Corbyn.