With public panic over the Coronavirus mounting, supermarkets are struggling to meet demand for essential provisions such as bread and toilet roll.
“We saw what happened when we had shortages during The Beast from the East and Storm Emma in 2018” said a representative from the Irish Bread Bakers Association (IBBA). “People were literally clawing each other’s eyes out for a loaf.”
“Covid-19 is a more serious and potentially much longer crisis, so we’ve taken steps to safeguard prominent members.”
Pat the Baker, who recently survived a botched kidnapping attempt by bread lovers near his Longford home, has been smuggled to an IBBA safe house until the crisis passes.
“Pat is safe. And his workers will continue to make his delicious bread, but no other yahoos are stealing it.”
The kindly patriarch of the Irish bread industry, Old Mr. Brennan, has also been advised to go into hiding by the IBBA.
“Mr. Brennan has a real gra for his people and won’t countenance stepping out of the public eye when they need him most,” said the IBBA spokeperson, “but given how ugly the situation could get he needs to put himself first this time.”
The toilet roll industry is also monitoring the Covid-19 situation, with the Andrex puppies said to be particularly vulnerable.