As reactive fools around the country continue to stockpile toilet roll, the HSE has issued a red status warning over the widespread use of contraband.
The illegal loo roll market has taken off in recent days, with shady characters seen lurking outside major supermarkets chanting “Anyone buyin’ or sellin’ bog roll? Buyin’ or sellin bog roll?”
The HSE has warned that the products being offered by these toilet roll touts may not be the genuine article.
“This ‘off-shelf’ product is low grade,” said a HSE spokesperson. “Consumers should be aware that this may not even be pure toilet paper. We have seen products cut with cardboard, napkins and old copies of The Sunday Independent.”
Having the public’s arses, amongst the most vulnerable of all body parts, come into contact with such coarse materials could result in “widespread injuries,” which the HSE has warned will “place even further strain on our medical system.”
One off-shelf toilet roll victim shared their sorry tale with DTTN:
“I’m normally a lavender scented three-ply man, but the shops were out. This character in a Mac said he’d sort me. The next thing I know I’m wiping my arse with Brendan O’Connor’s by-line photo. I’m in bits. The doctor says I won’t walk for weeks.”