US President Donald Trump has called on doctors to prescribe strong opioid medication to Covid-19 patients.
“This virus is a nasty guy. He’s literally killing us,” said Trump. “I’ve authorised the CDC to start giving some extremely strong drugs to fuel our great American people through this war.
These opioids are great drugs. Tremendously strong. Drugs like oxycodone, fentanyl and buprenorphine, that I’ve stayed up late practicing the pronunciation of.”
I’ve talked to our experts and I’ve gotta say they don’t like it, but I’ve got a good feeling. My great-uncle once spent an hour in a pharmacy. This super knowledge is in my genes.
These drugs are supplied by our wonderful American pharmaceutical companies. I’m calling on all citizens to do their part. Let’s help kick-start the economy by taking these tremendous opioids if you suspect you have the Chinese virus.”
White House medical advisor Dr. Anthony Fauci warned against the move, stating that opioid drugs would have no effect on Covid-19 symptoms, but could potentially lead patients down the path of crippling addiction.
However, Dr. Fauci admitted that the drugs may help American citizens forget what a terrible job the Trump administration has done combating the pandemic.