Local call centre supervisor Gareth Ratburger has not taken any of his annual leave allowance so far this year, as he just knows the place will fall apart without him.
“Even one week could be fatal,” said a weary Ratburger, as he faced into his 68th consecutive working week, “this lot are useless. I don’t want to be coming home to a P45.”
Ratburger, whose team specialises in cold-call triple glazing sales, is especially concerned about attach rate metrics and staff turnover.
“I’d love to spend two weeks sipping cocktails on a sandy beach, but these metrics are killing me,” he said.
Ratburger went on to express bafflement that minimum wage plus free fruit and ‘Funky Fridays’ were not enough to stimulate greater productivity and reliability.
“This is important work we’re doing,” he said, “the team needs to recognise this. People would literally die without windows, especially in a pandemic.”
Ratburger, known to colleagues as ‘Gekko’ due to his omnipresent three-piece suit and Bluetooth headset, rather than any killer instinct, now faces losing the three weeks leave rolled over from last year.
“Holidays are for the weak,” he said, “unlike our triple glazing, which is strong and durable in any weather conditions.”