All Leaving Cert students are to retroactively be awarded 625 points, the Department of Education has announced.
The move comes following the errors identified in the calculated grade system that saw up to 6,500 students incorrectly marked down.
“We really have no idea what we’re doing,” said Minister for Education Norma Foley. “Some students are getting higher grades, some lower grades and our outsourcer Polymetrika is telling us that some have ceased to exist as corporeal beings.”
The Department has decided that the fairest solution is to award all students the maximum achievable mark of 625 points. This includes the 25 bonus points for taking Higher Level Maths, which will now be awarded even to Ordinary Level Maths students.
“It’s the only way we can stop this descending into a legal quagmire,” said Foley. “God knows those students are almost as vindictive as party back-benchers.”
All students will now qualify for a place in practically any third level course of their choosing, which observers fear will create chaos in the university admissions system.
“This may cause a headache for the universities, but frankly we don’t care as long as it’s off our plate,” said Foley as she fled Dail chambers.